Weaker Version

You can’t be rude, unless you don’t know that person well. While hearing those stories, it makes me.wanna cry for a moment. Those are not just ordinary life stories. Actually I never met people like them whose life have been so hard? I can’t say if it was hard but needless to say, they’re funny and happy whenever you’ll see them giggling with their friends. Instead of remembering those pretty hard moments they tend to laugh and show the world that they can’t be defeated. I really loved them because of that. Seeing  weaker version of them shows me that I should be nicer to people even though how rude or miserable they treated me. Yes, they could hurt me but understanding them behind their mask is  great compassion. We sometimes say what negative thoughts we have for a person without trying to know them deeply. Maybe this is just one of the nature of human endeavor,

“If it doesn’t please us, we choose hate”

Instead of love, we hate a person based on how they looked? How they impress or hurt us. How they talked? Based on their english speaking skills, on how rich or poor they are, how they dress, how skinny? What degrees they have and most especially how good they are. 

We forget to look beyond the curtains of life. And deny the fact that without those degree in college, beautiful face, skinny skin, fabulous dress, money and their skills , they won’t be the same person anymore. We created labels on how we should judge or perceive someone. If they did not pass your standard, then they’ll be the lowest people that you could drop down on the ground if ya know how to be a devil. 

Whenever I passed by people whether inside the malls or on the streets, I wanted to say how much I valued their existence. They matter. No matter what products you sell, what kind of smell they have, how good or bad they looked that day, how sure or unsure they were with their life, 

” They matter”

Making them feel that you respect them is enough. Everyone deserve that. Not because for the sake of doing that but because you’re all humans. You all matter. 

While writing this, I thought of the people in Luneta. Some were dating, ( cause valentines is near) some were having time with their families, some were students who were practicing but some were sleeping on the ground. Seeing those unfortunate people made me realized that, people are all in the same world. We could not boast about anything on anyone. We’re not higher or lower than anybody. All those people are having fun inside of that park, and one thing is for sure. 

” Happiness if free for anyone ”

Spread love, spread happiness, stop living the standards of this world, believe me , It won’t make you happy. Let us leave the weaker version of us here. Here in the dark. 

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The Idea of Love

Why do we hurt the ones we love? Why do we destroy the ones we thought the one? I’m talking about love right now and it sounds like I’m being broke by the idea of love. I’ve been thinking if love could make us whole as a human but why do we keep on feeling the same pain over and over again. Words cut deep here in my heart as he uttered the words about his complains about us. What’s wrong with being inlove? I just can’t accept how things gone wrong. Seeing myself in the middle of the night, waiting for him to come home sucks. I just can’t take it how the same person who makes you feel valued suddenly changed because of ..
“It’s not always about us”

Those words clearly showed me how we should put ourself in his life. I wanted to shout every pain you’ve given me all throughout the years. And if you’re going to be back again, I’ll give you triple of the pain you made me feel. Finding myself under a blanket while crying nonstop is just stupid. Why would I cry for someone whose purpose leads me into great sadness. Maybe love can be cruel when we felt how hard it is to endure every lies and secrets that have been divulge for years. I hate the idea of being so inlove with the same person all at the same time. 

“It hurts like I have to ripped off my heart out of my chest”

Like, how to forget all those happy memories you shared if all you remembered were the facts that you can’t share him your dreams anymore. Deciding to end up all these repeatable cycle would be hard but what if I can’t? 

Right now, I wasn’t expecting him to do this but. I’ll quit anyway. Okay break me more, tore me into pieces and I’ll be willing to bring back all these to your ego. 

But you know what?

I can’t because the idea of loving you is insanely driving me nuts. It may be painful but I always ends up with forgiveness. And maybe? That’s how love really works. It makes us a new person who is willing to accept the flaws while loving every fabric of their soul. Being manipulated with their shitty words no matter how sugar coated they were. This is love. It never changes even to the smartest person in the world. You’ll be numb, sarcastically insane and crazy. It makes you happy and damn sad at the same time. But the idea of loving him would be the best part, no matter how many tears I cried or how many nights I’ll wait. But wait, do I love him? 

or ” I just love the idea of loving him?”

I’m still inlove with the same person I’ve seen,  the first time I opened up my eyes while crying because I’m alive. If you know what I really mean. 

In this world, your worldly parents could abandoned you but God will never leave you. 

RANDOM THOUGHTS

I am currently avoiding negative people in my life right now. Tho it may be defensive but I demand peace. Hell yeah give me peace. I’ve read articles about delayed graduation and it really inspires me rn to go with this topic. I just love it! Out of 3 students, one of them will be experiencing delayed graduation. That was according to the source. If you’re going to ask me why I wrote this, the reason is I’m one one of them. Though things may not fall into places right now. I know that in the right moment I’mm gonna wear that black suit that signifies all the hardships, eyebags, sleepless nights I’ve experienced all throughout those years. Being one of the breadwinner will be my own inspiration to carry all these burdens inside me. Somebody’s looking at me while typing this shit. It’s really awkward. I hope he’ll stop. We’ve gone to The Manila Times College a while ago and that was awesome. Ate Micah of TMTC is only 23 year old yet she has her own part of the newspaper. She’s been speaking about it until I realized, you can be someone at a very young age. I’m not gonna waste any time and I’ll strive hard to be one of a kind. And then when I get back to school to unwine, mick told me about being too nice. We were telling our first impression they said what was expected. 

“I’m too nice”

I told them about how I overthink over simple things and I was so happy to hear that. They feel how I felt but they advised me not to do that because nobody cares if I was thingking about it. Anyway, I love their company, for making me feel good about myself though I don’t really feel it. And yeah, just a lesson for them, I SHOULD NOT BE TOO NICE! 

This day is pretty quite good because first, I was happy that we’re totally near to finish our thesis. Second, I have meaningful conversation this day. Third, I was able to talk to all of my “true” friends. I was writing this for me to remember that inspite of every bad day I’ve had these past few weeks, God is so gracious to bring good people into my life. They were few yet it’s just heartwarming to be with them. 

Be StupidĀ 

I’ve never been an open book to some but believe me, if I trust you then congratulations. I’m just being fair to myself while I hide all these. Just to say it right, I just hated trusting humans. It’s been two years when someone told me how good I was to admit my mistakes in a numb way. Like, whuutttt??? Did you just say, “numb?” Basically, It was too insulting,  but anyone who would hear that probably cringe at a moment. Which is very defensive for me to slapped him away with my sword-like tongue. Actually, if you’re going to think of it, that was a compliment. Right now, I was giggling because of this topic because it’s too good to be true. While seeing the messages from my old classmates really freaks me out. Wahhhhhh!!.
Mistakes make us humans. Though it’s a negative trait to be done. Just a simple reminder, confessing that you really don’t know something is not stupidity. That’s actually learning to unlearn the act of the ” all- knowing, sophisticated big headed human endeavor who lives in a jar of pride and superiority”( if you know what I mean. Whenever I met people whose standards are high as the mount everest, trust me, I’ll hate that person. Just to be true, I hate seeing pretentious people in some lovely faces. Which is very common now in our society. I remembered my professor told us ubout “smart shaming” – about shaming those smart folks tho they don’t really brag for their achievements etsetera. That’s totally the opposite of what I was saying. And yes, I’m talking about the bragging rights of any individual. Hate me or love me but I don’t care. If you knew yourself that you’re ignorant about that topic then, you’re not gonna die if you’ll say it straight to the point you bragger!  

You’re not supposed to know everything and I am fond to corrections. I love corrections and if ever I would look stupid or innocent in front of anyone, then I don’t care. Learning tnew hings from the expert is really exciting and maybe that’s why my superiors loved to teach me, cause I look stupid anyway. Haha. Telling you these will sound weird but give me the benefit of the doubt. 

Try to do these and you’ll learn the unimaginably facts about the world. Open new doors and create bigger dreams by leaving the throne of pride and deception. Dethrone yourself while humbly accepting what you know nothing about. Be competetive with yourself not with anyone whose been doing the ” I know everything” stupidity. 

Marri-age

Waking up in a cold and brezzy morning is my favourite. Though it feels like I’m about to catch a cold now. Yikes. Everyday is my day and believe me I love mornings but night reading is the best. It makes me feel like I have been flying in the sky full of stars while drinking a lot of tea to boost the inner air that lifts me up.Rememebering my childhood about mornings, makes me freak out like..
” I missed it like, can I go back there?”

It was 3′ o clock in the morning and it was our neighbor’s wedding day. I was thinking how weddings works here in the world. I never have an idea how weddings should be celebrated. ( Don’t hate me, I’m just a child right then). 

Until my curiosity hits me and I just imagined how it works. Weddings are located at the sky and a guy and a girl would picked up stars to give it to one another. ( blame the stairway to heaven) haha. That was totally crazy but believe me, as my little imagination told me, that was how I imagined weddings before. 

Sooooo, what will be our topic now? It will be about commitment. This is a great word that always reminds me of endless promises and holding hands. When you commit into something, it is required that you’d do your duty and you can’t escape to it till the end of time. (*evil laughs) haha. But as a matter of fact, marriages are exchanging vows with someone whom you see yourself to be with for the rest of your life. But why do people get divorced? That’s the thing about love. It make us feel excited that we wanted to get it until after knowing that person for so long, we just wanted to leave them hanging into commitment that you promised to be death to set you apart. Whatever! If you really wanted to commit then take your words then prove it. Unlearn the idea of, ” Babe it’s not you, it’s me”. Just a little reminder, I’m not bitter, I’m just stating what I almost observed for 20 years of my life here on earth. Duhhh. For someone who has been jailed into thinking that people always change, I believe that God created marriage for a great purpose. But people stained it until the world won’t believe that it exist. 

– okay. I’m just angry right now to tell you this. If you love your family then do not do anything that might hurt and destroy them. Mistresses should be cursed but, how can we forgive someone who destroys a family that has been good for years. There’s no point of having many lovers yet your child cursed you. I hate that. The idea of secretly engaging yourself into someone you’re not commited at is just STUPID. I’ll tell you all the stupid things and make you feel how it hurts to be abandoned just for someone who are just using your money for granted. 

Let’s chill out. How to forgive again? Can you? Then teach me how. 
xx

Just write

My story isn’t about just words that come up to my head and clicked by my hand. 
It is different from yours. Yet it’s ironic to be true. People in my life changes and it can never be stopped. Change is the only constant thing in this world. What if I could bring back the past? On how happy or simple life could be? If only I could. Noticing these things makes me wanna cry cause it’s the opposite of joy I have had before. As I grew old, everything seems complicated and miserable and I was thinking if it would be my punishment for all the things I did wrong. But no, I still believe that it’s still part of the ” GREAT PLAN”

When things get wrong and you have no one to talk to, write. When sadness haunts you to cry alone, then write. And whenever you’re feeling like life is so unfair to be like this, write. This will be my escape, to a world that has been so tiring and nerve breaking. To a life that became an endless screams of why people destroys one another. To a heart that has been deceived and torn out so many times. Just write. Then give the piece of yourself to empty words and cracking voice. Be at peace now. Inhale and exhale. Everything you’ve been praying for will be answered. There may be pain in the night but remember that joy comes in the morning. Let those smiles change the way the morning comes. And never let the dark drag you again into the pit of despair and loneliness. Fear the idea of waking up and crying again. Know that you worth every second of your life. Feel the moment while hope rises. This day is your day and something good is going to happen. Believe in your dreams as you catch them with the grasp of the hands that has been stocked in your pocket. Don’t be afraid to try the things that could make you happy. Share what you have and fight for what really belongs to you. Now that you’ve heard these words, hear me out. 
You are not alone-fighting to live a life. Everyone here is struggling, I could prove you that what you’ve been doing to please the crowd won’t do anything good to you. You’re only feeding your ego while forgetting yourself in a trash. Life is beautiful to be lived by you. And if you’re a booger, I tell you , I’ll first choose you and get you out there. Enjoy your own company. Read books, listen to Mandisa, share good memories, drink healthy, eat healthy and smile like there’s no tomorrow. You could be anyone inside the beauty of your dreams. You’re a princess, but hell yeah I forgot that you’re already the queen. Are you okay now? .

Then write. 

Feeling Strong

Seeing myself from the past 3 years makes me wanna laugh so hard because I really don’t imagine myself being like this. Many things have changed and writing to this piece of paper would be a part. I’ve been reading books and it really brought me to some places I never imagined. Just try to see me and I will probably show you my smile. Being who i am really makes me thank God how great he is for molding and creating me like this. perfection is not my goal in this life and if you’re going to ask me, no, I’m not that beautiful.  Just kidding. Being beautiful requires great confidence that no matter how you look, how curvy , how straight or curly you are, you are totally awesome(suweeg) and I will turn you into ashes if you don’t agree.
I never been so overly confident about this topic because I could say that there are still some insecurities that lies in me. There would be times that I’ll just go to my room and look at the mirror, punch my face and then evaporate. It’s just like that, I really have to accept my flaws the way I accept that life is fair. Believe me, being one of the victims of bullying makes me wanna cry an ocean because it really hurts to reminisce those awful moments. When I was in grade one, my classmates always threatened  me that if I’m not going to give them the answers in our exams they’ll surely give me a hard time outside the school. Giving them the answers is cheating. Guilt is what I feel beyond that situation but after all those years being used by people at an early age, it really makes me stand for what I believe in, to fight for integrity. Now that I am now in College, I can’t really tolerate cheating, because I only understand how it feels like you’re being used and then after that, they won’t need you anymore. That would be the sad part.

Many times in my life that I could clearly remember those faces, using me because it would benefit them. Being mean to me and blaming for mistakes I did not do anyway. That was the hell out of life in my world. But being a new person, I learned to be cruel for me to be kind. People always think that it’s always okay to hurt me because I’m too nice. You heard that right. I am too nice that I chose to do anything they want,  for me to be accepted and loved. But I received nothing. Speaking of receiving, I do receive some love from few people that I considered a human being. They are the best people that inspired me to do good things and have accepted me for who I was before. Needless to say, I am weak and this weakness made me strong and brave enough to win a debate. I could say that these circumstances molded me to be who I am .If you’re reading this right now and you feel bad about yourself, then you better jump and shout because that was a lie. You are beautiful and strong enough to mend a broken life. Start with yours.

How life works

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry alone.
That was a quote I have read a while ago from the book entitled, ” Through the Dark Woods”. That was a pretty good read actually and if your looking for answers on how to overcome all kinds of depression, you better check it out. You’ll never regret. If you’re going to ask me why I read that book, then I must say because I am one with the author. Thinking about depression makes my mind cripple into thought of helplessness and sadness. To be specific, deep sadness. Whenever I feel like doing something, I always do it great but I’m tired emotionally so sorry for being like this. Facing realities in life is never shameful as usual but holding into hope that someday, everything will be fine is quite hard to accept. But to look positive, I’ll be going to cheer myself up so that I could move forward to what’s ahead.

Little did people knew that I was thinking about how hard life is. It’s because they seemingly see a great person on the outside yet broken soul inside. Explaining it would sound weird but not all things can be understood all at once. Try to think of it. Now that I refuse to go to school today because I’m not really feeling well, or should I say, I’m broke and music will be my escape right now. Though things get wrong at the first place, I know that better things are yet to come. Yes, I know it’s not the end of everything. Sometimes being a failure teaches me to grow and stand strong though the world don’t feel like I am living here in this planet. Sadly, there are people who will try to drag you down to the ground until you have no choice but quit. Life doesn’t stop there. There will also be people who will jokingly discuss all your flaws and mock you whenever they want. Surprisingly, I will still love the way they do it cause it defines who they are: pity on you little minds. Society already set the standards that people usually used to judge one another and create silent monsters inside them until it bursts like dragons and eat them alive. That would be the case. But as you can see, we don’t stop there neither. After destroying other humans, they’ll make a move to destroy themselves too, to be the advocate of self -hate.

What they did to one another neither help nor encourage them to grow, but still they change. That change makes them a better person. A good and more compassionate person. Reality is, you will never know how it feels to be like them if you d0 not experienced it yourself. Try to be kind to anyone, even the little ones or the old ones. Once you get the wisdom of loving then you will start to see good in every people even though how many times they tried to show you how rude they are. This is the secret of living a life. Be considerate to one another, loving the unlovable and giving chance to those who are willing to change. You’ll find peace if you forgive. So do it anyway.

You are worth looking at

Sometimes we win, sometimes we learn.

This will be my mantra, sometimes we win but most of the time we loose and that was the time we should learn. Right now I was haunted into thinking that if we win practically in life, it indicates how we manage our self freely. Yes, freely, without any people giving any comments about our decisions. Now that I will be graduating next year, I was planning to apply a job and save money for my future vacation. Oh that’s my dream anyway. So going back to our little chit-chat about winning in life, you should take the positive and leave those pretty negative lies about yourself. Probably, thinking about those would only lead to self-pity and that might kill your inner confidence. Speaking of confidence, you should be one of a kind, stop living other people’s dramatic, unrealistic and filtered life. Understand that for some reasons, you could live a good life out of a dream that you yourself have. Don’t be over confident about how you look, sometimes you should think that there are people who are better than you. Never brag for something you did not really have. Promote self-love and always think that you are indeed beautiful.

Whenever I came up with this kind of thinking, usually I ate what I preach. Not because I was a hypocrite, it’s just because sometimes I just need some time to apply it myself. You never know the struggle of doing your own advice. But now that it is pretty cool to talk about it, I have something to tell you. You are not who they think you are. You are what you think you are. If you’re always looking at the mirror you’ll always see the same thing so cherish the person in front you. She sees you differently, not whatever comments others have imprinted in you. Show the world that you can be what you wanna be. More than what they expected you to become. And if ever you came back to your dark room, try to press the lights on. You are worth looking at. Look at the mirror again and tell yourself that ” You are fearfully and wonderfully made”. You’d been too hard for yourself for so long. Try to make a change and share yourself for the benefits of others. You never knew how far you’ll become. I’m proud of who you become.

 

LOVINGĀ 

Do you see good in every people? Or should I say, do you really see people good? There is a big difference about being good and being kind. Kindness is somewhat good for those persons with fluffy heart and understanding spirit. While goodness can be seen to those who will choose to do good even no one will recognized it. Now that we already know the difference, let us tackle about loving. Do you do anything to impress the ones you love? Maybe I could consider it one of the impacts on why they love you, but what if you did not do it, can you say that they will stay? That was a depressing question right? Basically, if you’re going to deduce the kindness you can do to your friends, will they really stay or they’ll back stab you with every secrets you told them about. Frankly, that would be the case but think of it anyway. I just want to bring you into a situation by which you will feel like you’re living the characters I portrayed. What if it will happen? Will you survive? Forget it.
For the sake of telling you the truth, you can be kind, yet people will surely take you for granted. They’ll use you until nothing will be left in you. Be careful and take note of that. Taking sides with you will be helpful so there it is. Have you imagined yourself loving someone who directly insult you and degrades you in front of many people? Not really, right? It is because we just tend to love those who could probably love us back and these are realities. So, how to love the unlovable? Always believe that every person, no matter how rude, bad, or insulting they were, they still got this childish, mellow, innocent heart inside them.Believe me, everyone have that. They’re just afraid to show it because hiding in a mask of hatred becomes their guard to be strong. You just have to find out how to see that inner kindness. It takes time to love them but being good to them helps. Try to take these words: ” Promote what you love instead of loving what you hate”. No matter how bad they were, love is the key to be good.