When you see someone dying in front of your eyes, everything will change. Your whole life will definitely change. Seeing someone who is dear to me taking her last breath is the saddest thing that ever happened to me. That’s the beginning of my battle. Because I see the reality of death even before I just have to start living. It was like seeing the end of the movie instead of enjoying the exciting beginning of the scenes. It was like mourning in a wedding song. I hated this feeling since she died. People will never understand because I loved her so much more than the dreams I created inside my head. She’s part of all my plans and all those little surprises I want to make just to make her happy. This may sound cliche’ for some who knew me. But. She’ll not be there on my graduation. But I know she’ll come.
You know what really hurts?
They’ll talk to you.
They’ll pretend like they want to know you.
They’ll make you feel better.
After a week, they’ll be gone.
After you trust them.
With your stories.
With the pieces of your soul.
Then you’ll end up hurting.
End up crying in a corner.
With tears running down your whole face.
Because you lost yourself again.
Over and over again.
I welcomed you.
Then leave like I never gave something so much important to me.
Give me those pages, I’m not done yet.
She’s gone in a summer ready to uphold her. She was happy. Before the night someone told her that she’s ugly. Before the day when she was told to change the way things really are. She’s a bit discourage. By people who only understands her when she cries, but cursed her with words that defines her past. She is a complete mess when they point their fingers to make her feel down and sad. But she fights. She cuts her hair short and continue to forgive the trolls. She keeps on telling the people to be strong. She finds compassion by giving light into someone’s day. Because she was happy. Even before you read the first phrase of the song. She was. Happy.
I want something that could be so right and gentle. Something that will never let me feel the validation of the world. As I feel the warmth of your love, there would be no escape, no turning back, no understatement. You are a complete complications of all my why’s and the phrases I could make as a complete one. You’re the continuing process of all the x and y. The 3.14 value of pi. This is the start of the never ending smile. Of all the “let’s eat and make the world go round”. Stay with me for a while, I’ll tell you all the weird secrets of all my cries.
As the wind blows from the east
My heart beats louder with ease
I couldn’t feel my shoulder at first
Because of some bruises I got from medicines I’ve cursed
I felt the hope when I saw the sky bluer than before
It keeps on reminding me about the healing i once devour
And every rays of the sun that touches my bare soul,
I couldn’t help but to thank God for all these sore
Without pain, I’d be healthy living the life full of pride and arrogance
Without these weaknesses, I’d be strong wasting all the given chance
Without these defects, I’d be worried not to experience having the first glance
Of the hope that can be repeated just once
If you will be able to meet the best version of yourself, will you still stare at the perfection infront of you? Or you’ll keep on pointing out the things you missed and start to change, for you to achieve that wonderful transformation? I prefer the latter. Seeing yourself as different from who you are right now will be really scary for me. You’ll think how great change will be but in the end, you’ll existentially be happy but will die inside the cage of “this is not me anymore”.
I asked for a smooth- sailing college life, but you gave me a lot of storms along the way. I asked for financial stability but you gave me a purse full of coins and cents. I asked for many friends during those hard times but you gave me just 5 who stayed through thick and thin. I asked for more people to love me, but you allowed them to leave me. At first, I couldn’t even understand the standard of your love, but I am beyond thankful to experience hardships rather than comfort. To see my grandmother’s death rather than healing her. To feel pain rather than love. Those are rays of your love and I can still see you loving me tho I failed you a thousand times. All of those things made me who I am. I see grace and will forever be thankful about Isaiah 43:1.
I always see beauty in every person’s uniqueness. Whether it would be a certain habit or routine that can’t be taken away from them. My life has always been about loving. Making room for people’s mistake so that I could easily forgive. Showing them their goodness as they doubt about how good they are despite the circumstances. I always believe in people’s goodness inside them. No matter how badly they treat others or how many times they push people away. Everything just appeared to be crystal clear to me now. God allowed me to experience every downfalls this 2017 because He knew how proud my heart is. I judged people’s goodness just through my mere eyes. Always looking for answers why they behave that way rather than understanding their past experiences. God created those patterns because he has a plan. And eventually, plans are supposed to be a step by step process, an unending which, why, where to go? And yes, I learned to trust now His ways. It is higher than my own ways. His thoughts that are higher than my thoughts🎈 Continue reading “Game Plan”
You have the power to choose your own battle. Pick up those battles that would definitely make you a better person. Leave those things that keeps on taking off the positivities in you. You are an army in the middle of an endless war between you and yourself alone. Do not panic while other people fight their own. They chose their own battlegrounds. But if ever you feel tired now to hold your armor, try to sit down in the corner and rest for a while. You’ve been a warrior for so long now, but never forget that you are a child inside that metal. You are soft inside the victory you’ve won for the whole year now. It is okay to be tired sometimes and not to pretend how life has been miserable for you. But you are destined to win every war you chose to faced. Yes, you are. I am proud of how you fight on your own. But it will be better if you’ll find rest in the middle of toss and turns. Let HIM fight yours. There are battles that only God could handle. Find rest while He’s protecting you from all of your enemies. He loves you! More than the battles you have won.
It is always worth it to wait for the moment when you will no longer cry for the people you’ve been crying for so long. They’re worth every seconds every night you’ve been praying for a changed heart. They build all the blocks of insecurities you have and could get back up again your confidence like they’re handling two worlds in one hand. They are just people. But not just the ordinary one. They are strong enough to mend and comfort those in hurt even they’re still in the process of healing. They could make you feel better and will make you even stronger by touching all the parts of you without the hesitation of leaving a mark of them in your soul. They are not just people. They are God-given. Thank you for all those people God has been using from the very beginning till now. You all made my heart flutter every time I feel unloved and low. I will be a better person now and build myself up with the help of my creator. I know how fearfully and beautifully made I am. There will still be some insecurities but I will never use them to hurt others ever again. You all made my 2017 better. I know I’ve been so hard for some. I almost tried giving up but God is greater than highs and lows. He knew my heart from the very beginning and his love haunts me every time I almost ran away from it. God did not called the qualified. He qualifies the called. And so, I’ll be better and honor him through every gifts I have.