You left me uncolored.
You left me unwanted, until one day,
You came back with lots of crayons
I asked you why you let me suffered in white for so long,
But you hugged me in screaming colors
You make me blue when I haven’t seen you
But you make me wonderful even without cue
I asked you why you painted white when you left
You told me that you prepared me for something red
Now that you’re here holding me with butterflies in my head,
I will try to color myself without your touch and your help
I became wonderful as ever,
Holding myself with rainbows in my hands
I thanked you for bringing all these colors,
Because without you leaving, I’ll remain white dull and full of sorrow.
I’ve been battling with depression these past few days and I’m on my way to overcome myself, hopefully. I did everything that I could to save myself from all of these negative thoughts I’ve been thinking. Being afraid to open up to people really sucks. They don’t really understand. No matter how hard you explain. No matter how many times you told them, they will never understand but they could listen. Prayer is my only rest. And I hardly pray for a peace of mind and joy in my heart to overcome myself from my negativity. So I get out of the box and started asking my sister. She’s a Psychology student but I’m afraid to ask but I did it anyways. She told me that everyone of us have this kind of ” diathesis stress model” where we could use something to overcome our stress or anything that’s bothering us.
So I started to do things differently. I paint. I listened to music everytime something creeps in.
Messy right? That’s how I feel😂 Just Kidding. After all of these things I feel how things could be better if we try to do things we love. I will now start a new life, new stories that will bring positivity to you. So I’ll leave all those past and start to do great and wonderful things.
I wanted to be heard.
Someday, my voice will be heard and everyone will listen to all my stories that keeps on killing me. I will be heard around the world and become an inspirational speaker that could help thousands of youth who are suffering from depression. I will be used to change the world and become a Filipino writer who writes unceasingly. Loving people and serving them would be my honor. I will be heard. And someday, when that day comes, I will still speak. No matter how small my voice can be. No matter how hard it would be. I will succeed.
I used words to cover up everything that’s been bothering me. I used silence to show you how hard to accept everything I thought was true but unluckily it’s not. I used music to ease all the broken memories of you and me. I used our time like tomorrow will never come. I used every little things that could probably longer the conversation. I used my voice to tell you how much you make me feel secured and happy. I used my smile to make you feel like you should’ve not let me go. I used my feet to come running and chase you. I used my eyes, to anything that would make me believe that it’s not a lie. I used all these pain, to create an art. I used every pen I see to write another story, but you hold the ink and I couldn’t see myself turning another pages. You left me hanging into questions and untamed voices inside my head. You left when you’ve said you won’t do a thing to make me leave. But you stay. You rather stay to my surprise. Stay with her. Away from me.
I am tired of the things that keeps on wondering why?
Tired of all the medicines I have to take and fight
Tired of all the people that would help me say hi
I am tired of all the silly answers to all my hows’
But i will never be tired believing the same lies
Lies that keeps me alive and tired
Lies that keeps on telling me that everything will be fine
Lies that in the first place will be formidable
Lies that showed me how forbidden it would look like
Lies that I thought would be my first try
I would lie if I tell you I am not tired
Believing myself that I should wear that fake smile .
You could be the star in in the nightsky
Where all of my hopes resides
You could be my jeepney during rush hours
And I I’ll ride with you to the longest mile
We could be the smoke on the streets
Choking everything that’s been bothering
I could be your girl in the middle of highway
And hold your hand till we fall apart and tell, that
We are indescribable but we could be identify
We are the meanest creature when everyone’s been serious about their lives.
You are my great fantasy
My great serendipity
And if we fall inlove today
I’ll promise you,
Thank you for being a part of what I so called “tragedy”. Thank you for being there enough for me to smile and tell all our favourite stuffs that we only understand. Thank you for lifting up a broken soul out of that line where thoughts of discomfort lies. For all those nights you keep on telling me that life is as good as you can see it. I entered a world where “being myself” is just enough to be accepted by anyone who are willing to join my company. Those childish acts of why we should do a thing or not. You gave me a mirror when all I have was a broken one. I’ll always keep it here, in my heart to see myself again in your eyes. But today, I’ll just remind myself that not everyone who once stay will do it continuosly. Not everyone who told you good stories will remain in your chapters. Not everyone who cares will stay. And I know deep here in my soul, I lost one piece cause I gave one to you and that’s worth a try. I’ll never regret it. Maybe someday when I see you, I would smile, but maybe not, but will I ever see you?
– invisible –
To the girl I always love.
You are the strongest girl I ever know. The greatest gift God could ever give. Your eyes always shine as it look at people’s good heart rather than their stains. You are indescribable and the best sister I never had. You keep on smiling ,laughing and cherishing every little things because you’re a keeper and if someone would hurt you again, my fists are ready. Yes, maybe there are times that you’re crying for the same reasons but your tears will be my greatest weakness. You don’t deserve all those pains, and tho my shoulders are small, you can still lie on them too. You keep on inspiring me always to be a better person and to live the dreams I dreamnt. Thank you for being my great companion, my bestfriend, my buddy, you will always be my bellcricket. And only both of us could understand what does it mean. I love you and happy birthday.
I just keep on strumming until it hurts, until I just stopped. I just loved the way it feels whenever I feel the music out of my chest, it feels like a great comfort and pain in disguise. Reminding myself that these songs I keep on singing will vanish someday, and it will fade into oblivion of nothingness. That everything will be okay, and all those tears of yesterday will be just a random memory of my own myseries. You may be knocked down many times but you can listen. Listen to those people who reminds you how great and awesome you are. Tho sometimes, you will be summoned into memories of betrayal and shame, let the past take care itself. Learn to trust people again and open new doors of hope and friendships, of love and possibilities.
If ever you feel so alone right now, let me tell you this, let’s enjoy the night and listen to ourself, to our own voice that keeps on screaming inside, that keeps on singing our life stories. Listen to yourself and feel free to breath in and out, ohh. That was awesome, yeah like that. You should be happy and dwell into endless dreams of our present situation.
I know you’ve been tired asking yourself if forgiveness will be worth a try. If forgiveness will be better if you just try, but yes, forgive them but never stay again. Stay to those dark moments of should I forgive or forget, should I give a chance or not, but no, believe me, you are worth the risk. No matter how long you will be healed or how many times you forgive, never come back to the place where things get broken and bruised. Never beg for a stare or a chance to make everyone stay. Never let yourself be killed by your own kindness by showing your vulnerable, undecided heart.
You’ve been torn apart, so guard your heart and be at peace. Keep yourself from being inlove with the devil’s smile. Do not keep an eye to an angel face looking at you that was truly a lie. Do not come back and be gone for a while. Learn to forgive yourself because there’s nothing wrong with you. There is nothing worth a third chance in this world. We all mess up but forgiveness is an equivalent equation to freedom, so forgive then begin again.
Begin again and learn from all those years that taught you to be brave, to be forgiving and strong. You’ve been tired, and that’s okay. Stars still shine at day.