I’m the unspoken words of a writer’s pen. No one could understand why I existed inside the plan of all those characters inside his story. I’m the secret persona who will make you feel sad as I sighed. And every time the master told me to run, I hide. I ruined every part of the story line, I killed all the periods because ending it wouldn’t make it right. I cut all those scenes that are too embarrassing for people to believe. Because we are all phrases, never been a sentence. We are not happy with happily ever after. We are challenge by expectations that tragedy happens inside the book of he and she. They’re no longer happy. Because I changed the plot twist and all those places they should meet. They’ll be gone because fantasies perish. Believe me, they will never meet inside the book you’ve read. They’re living now, far away. With someone else, loving them. That’s reality. They were better off separated.
Pain is inevitable. It always loves affection. The most daring kind of feeling that everyone hates to feel within. Cause it’s uncomfortable, we feel weak, we feel alone. But as TFIOS quotes says ” Pain demands to be felt”. But for me, we are not required to feel it the way it really feels like. What if it’s a blessing in disguise? What if it could change you and all the other aspects of you, being “you”. Cause pain surely will come, but healing comes to those who know how to accept it. Only few people knew that there’s an option. That healing exists. Let the Lord binds up your wounds. Do not merely hide it. Cry for it, shout it out, tell people how weak you are. Carry the burden now and express your self through music. Survive the night by talking to the Lord with grief and humility. He’s looking after you. You’re just good at hiding yourself, your weaknesses, and all of your fears. Be well. Self.
I find you being happy with books you’ve bought from booksale .Or enjoying an ice cream while you sit alone at the bench of 13th street while counting the people who will say hi cause you’re weird. You are never the same girl you were a year ago. You became a fully grown butterfly who chose to walk than to fly. You know that surviving in this world requires humility and so you hide your wings and keep your feet on the ground. You still want hot chocolate and enjoy it while doing some journals. You keep on talking about stars and dreams and all the other weird stuff that keeps on playing game inside your head. You are beautiful without someone telling you that you are. You are still adorable even with or without make up. You enlighten people’s day cause you’re happy to see them smile. If there would be a thing that can bring you down again? Maybe it’s about crying again for people who doesn’t know how to keep you. So fight fearfully. Love deeply. But never surrender that great big heart of yours. To the world of insecurities and self entitlement. To a life full of mediocrity and self righteous reasons. You are! Yes you are! You are the smallest, yet the strongest thing that can weaken the world’s greatest Goliath!
This heart beats for His people.
I was thinking how will I spend my pre valentine celebration for my heart. So I spend my day inside the hospital. There’s no one I could visit inside (thankful) but I just sit there with chocolates on my lap,watching people walked by. There’s an ache as I see people crying while they carry their loved ones sitting in a wheelchair. Or a mother crying while her baby cries before going to the operation room. Seeing someone without feet at all, or talking to a stranger but I couldn’t answer their questions. I was sitting there just overwhelmed about everything that the Lord laid before my eyes. I asked the Lord if he’s also aching for his people. But my stubbornness hit me cause I already know the answer. He knows every details of a person’s heart. But this experience made me realize how short life can be. So be grateful that you have a good health. Enjoy a life worth living and stop comparing the shoes they’re wearing from the shoes you are destined to wear. Laugh to make someone smile for a day. Give little things that will cheer those who are hopeless with their situation. Let these people get some hi. No matter how happy the world outside this love celebration, I will still love to feel the joy of comforting those who are weak and talking to random people about their day. Love is more than chocolates and roses. Love will be an action without validation.
I talked to God about you every night. There are just things that are not meant to happen right now. You came unexpectedly with a mask as I waited for you to arrive. We took the night outside the city lights and watch the people walk by. We shared our thoughts about emotions and you’ve told me how you could hold everything in your hands without even crying. That’s absurd but I admire you for being real. Every detail about you will forever stay with me. But hey, I waited for you to respond when I almost got the chance to. But you never came. It just feels like a dream that you existed in my life. Who are you for the third time? A page left forgotten.
When you see someone dying in front of your eyes, everything will change. Your whole life will definitely change. Seeing someone who is dear to me taking her last breath is the saddest thing that ever happened to me. That’s the beginning of my battle. Because I see the reality of death even before I just have to start living. It was like seeing the end of the movie instead of enjoying the exciting beginning of the scenes. It was like mourning in a wedding song. I hated this feeling since she died. People will never understand because I loved her so much more than the dreams I created inside my head. She’s part of all my plans and all those little surprises I want to make just to make her happy. This may sound cliche’ for some who knew me. But. She’ll not be there on my graduation. But I know she’ll come.
You know what really hurts?
They’ll talk to you.
They’ll pretend like they want to know you.
They’ll make you feel better.
After a week, they’ll be gone.
After you trust them.
With your stories.
With the pieces of your soul.
Then you’ll end up hurting.
End up crying in a corner.
With tears running down your whole face.
Because you lost yourself again.
Over and over again.
I welcomed you.
Then leave like I never gave something so much important to me.
Give me those pages, I’m not done yet.
She’s gone in a summer ready to uphold her. She was happy. Before the night someone told her that she’s ugly. Before the day when she was told to change the way things really are. She’s a bit discourage. By people who only understands her when she cries, but cursed her with words that defines her past. She is a complete mess when they point their fingers to make her feel down and sad. But she fights. She cuts her hair short and continue to forgive the trolls. She keeps on telling the people to be strong. She finds compassion by giving light into someone’s day. Because she was happy. Even before you read the first phrase of the song. She was. Happy.
I want something that could be so right and gentle. Something that will never let me feel the validation of the world. As I feel the warmth of your love, there would be no escape, no turning back, no understatement. You are a complete complications of all my why’s and the phrases I could make as a complete one. You’re the continuing process of all the x and y. The 3.14 value of pi. This is the start of the never ending smile. Of all the “let’s eat and make the world go round”. Stay with me for a while, I’ll tell you all the weird secrets of all my cries.
As the wind blows from the east
My heart beats louder with ease
I couldn’t feel my shoulder at first
Because of some bruises I got from medicines I’ve cursed
I felt the hope when I saw the sky bluer than before
It keeps on reminding me about the healing i once devour
And every rays of the sun that touches my bare soul,
I couldn’t help but to thank God for all these sore
Without pain, I’d be healthy living the life full of pride and arrogance
Without these weaknesses, I’d be strong wasting all the given chance
Without these defects, I’d be worried not to experience having the first glance
Of the hope that can be repeated just once