Have been fighting my demons recently. Guess what? It’s not always a good fight but victory is mine. Heard a news from my professor that someone commited suicide. My churchmate died in an accident. Life. I believe that this life will always be beutiful even without social media. Without people’s validation, without keyboard warriors. It just saddens me, that some of us felt the urge to please everyone. One by one. Little by little. Without us, knowing that we’re doing that, literally. But in reality, life still creeps in. It always scares us whenever we fail our standars, our limits. Cause we thought that victory can paint smile. That being good enough can make all of the other people prouder. But no. Being imperfect failure in the middle if the night keeps me going. There will always be a passion within this heart. No one can steal my joy. I am stable in His love and though my life wouldn’t always be about riches and glory, I know, deep within, that I am beyond happy cause I am.
I only exists when I’m needed. I only find it good for people to hear me if they’re willing to listen. Not just to hear my soul talking, but to feel the words that has been hidden inside my torch. It creeps the hell out of me whenever they smile without reason. It gives me the urgency not to give back love for certain erotic monsters inside the box of all my childhood friends, full of fears and illusions. I hated my memories back when I was a child. It was full of anxiety, helplessness, self-doubts and unending dramas of wrong motives, ghosts stories, traumatic scenes that shuts me down. Into oblivion. Into great sadness..into conclusion not to trust people.
But conquering these are the main reason. I created memories out of all my stupid questions. I met people with good hearts and random inspiration. I don’t feel sorry anymore. Hey self, you deserve to be loved the way you wanted. Do not let one stupid memory breaks a hundred good heart of all these people.
She smiled. She already endured the night of the owl, the morning of a vampire and the storms in the middle of her journey. She understands that owning the stage will require a lot of responsibilities, pain, trials, persecution and people saying that she can’t. She finally did it. She reached that dream she’s been praying when she was a little kid. You know what? She’s no longer crying about the crayons her classmates stole from her. She already gave up the things that weights her down. All of her fears,doubts,negative thoughts and all the people she pursued to love. But it doesn’t end here. She will come with a mighty armour, with stregth coming from the Lord, with the blood coming from the cross, and she’ll conquer. She’ll surely conquer it all. Because she’s a daughter. No longer an orphan. She’s different from any other girl you’ll meet outside the world of wars.
She has always been there when no one else sees you. – The girl you will never met
She’ll be there when no one see the great unknown inside you. You can be the greatest mess in this world but in her eyes, you’re the most valuable gift the world could offer in a distance. There will always be “sometimes” in her sentences cause she doesn’t want to repeat things cause it’s too crucial. She’s the cold breeze in the morning that you’ll wish to never feel; the cold coffee in the winter that you will not even try to take a sip. She’s the dim light that never gets brighter: a light that no one sees unless your world gets dark. Cause you’ll only see her when it’s raining in the middle of highway waiting for you to comeback. She’s just under the tree where all the leaves gave up it’s life cause it’s fall. In every season and every storm, she’s still waiting for a promise that her home will come back to it’s place. That the place where she usually hides her fear will finally come again and embrace her with warmth and welcome songs as she hummed inside her head. But she was never to be found now. No one ever tried to dig deeper the depth of her mind. No one dare to open her soul and see all her secrets unveiled from her heart. She’s just forgotten and never been remembered. Cause people loves noise. And in this world, silence will never matter. But please let this story be the title of your song.
She’s not for everyone.
I’m the unspoken words of a writer’s pen. No one could understand why I existed inside the plan of all those characters inside his story. I’m the secret persona who will make you feel sad as I sighed. And every time the master told me to run, I hide. I ruined every part of the story line, I killed all the periods because ending it wouldn’t make it right. I cut all those scenes that are too embarrassing for people to believe. Because we are all phrases, never been a sentence. We are not happy with happily ever after. We are challenge by expectations that tragedy happens inside the book of he and she. They’re no longer happy. Because I changed the plot twist and all those places they should meet. They’ll be gone because fantasies perish. Believe me, they will never meet inside the book you’ve read. They’re living now, far away. With someone else, loving them. That’s reality. They were better off separated.
Pain is inevitable. It always loves affection. The most daring kind of feeling that everyone hates to feel within. Cause it’s uncomfortable, we feel weak, we feel alone. But as TFIOS quotes says ” Pain demands to be felt”. But for me, we are not required to feel it the way it really feels like. What if it’s a blessing in disguise? What if it could change you and all the other aspects of you, being “you”. Cause pain surely will come, but healing comes to those who know how to accept it. Only few people knew that there’s an option. That healing exists. Let the Lord binds up your wounds. Do not merely hide it. Cry for it, shout it out, tell people how weak you are. Carry the burden now and express your self through music. Survive the night by talking to the Lord with grief and humility. He’s looking after you. You’re just good at hiding yourself, your weaknesses, and all of your fears. Be well. Self.
I find you being happy with books you’ve bought from booksale .Or enjoying an ice cream while you sit alone at the bench of 13th street while counting the people who will say hi cause you’re weird. You are never the same girl you were a year ago. You became a fully grown butterfly who chose to walk than to fly. You know that surviving in this world requires humility and so you hide your wings and keep your feet on the ground. You still want hot chocolate and enjoy it while doing some journals. You keep on talking about stars and dreams and all the other weird stuff that keeps on playing game inside your head. You are beautiful without someone telling you that you are. You are still adorable even with or without make up. You enlighten people’s day cause you’re happy to see them smile. If there would be a thing that can bring you down again? Maybe it’s about crying again for people who doesn’t know how to keep you. So fight fearfully. Love deeply. But never surrender that great big heart of yours. To the world of insecurities and self entitlement. To a life full of mediocrity and self righteous reasons. You are! Yes you are! You are the smallest, yet the strongest thing that can weaken the world’s greatest Goliath!
This heart beats for His people.
I was thinking how will I spend my pre valentine celebration for my heart. So I spend my day inside the hospital. There’s no one I could visit inside (thankful) but I just sit there with chocolates on my lap,watching people walked by. There’s an ache as I see people crying while they carry their loved ones sitting in a wheelchair. Or a mother crying while her baby cries before going to the operation room. Seeing someone without feet at all, or talking to a stranger but I couldn’t answer their questions. I was sitting there just overwhelmed about everything that the Lord laid before my eyes. I asked the Lord if he’s also aching for his people. But my stubbornness hit me cause I already know the answer. He knows every details of a person’s heart. But this experience made me realize how short life can be. So be grateful that you have a good health. Enjoy a life worth living and stop comparing the shoes they’re wearing from the shoes you are destined to wear. Laugh to make someone smile for a day. Give little things that will cheer those who are hopeless with their situation. Let these people get some hi. No matter how happy the world outside this love celebration, I will still love to feel the joy of comforting those who are weak and talking to random people about their day. Love is more than chocolates and roses. Love will be an action without validation.
I talked to God about you every night. There are just things that are not meant to happen right now. You came unexpectedly with a mask as I waited for you to arrive. We took the night outside the city lights and watch the people walk by. We shared our thoughts about emotions and you’ve told me how you could hold everything in your hands without even crying. That’s absurd but I admire you for being real. Every detail about you will forever stay with me. But hey, I waited for you to respond when I almost got the chance to. But you never came. It just feels like a dream that you existed in my life. Who are you for the third time? A page left forgotten.
When you see someone dying in front of your eyes, everything will change. Your whole life will definitely change. Seeing someone who is dear to me taking her last breath is the saddest thing that ever happened to me. That’s the beginning of my battle. Because I see the reality of death even before I just have to start living. It was like seeing the end of the movie instead of enjoying the exciting beginning of the scenes. It was like mourning in a wedding song. I hated this feeling since she died. People will never understand because I loved her so much more than the dreams I created inside my head. She’s part of all my plans and all those little surprises I want to make just to make her happy. This may sound cliche’ for some who knew me. But. She’ll not be there on my graduation. But I know she’ll come.