I’m the unspoken words of a writer’s pen. No one could understand why I existed inside the plan of all those characters inside his story. I’m the secret persona who will make you feel sad as I sighed. And every time the master told me to run, I hide. I ruined every part of the story line, I killed all the periods because ending it wouldn’t make it right. I cut all those scenes that are too embarrassing for people to believe. Because we are all phrases, never been a sentence. We are not happy with happily ever after. We are challenge by expectations that tragedy happens inside the book of he and she. They’re no longer happy. Because I changed the plot twist and all those places they should meet. They’ll be gone because fantasies perish. Believe me, they will never meet inside the book you’ve read. They’re living now, far away. With someone else, loving them. That’s reality. They were better off separated.
Pain is inevitable. It always loves affection. The most daring kind of feeling that everyone hates to feel within. Cause it’s uncomfortable, we feel weak, we feel alone. But as TFIOS quotes says ” Pain demands to be felt”. But for me, we are not required to feel it the way it really feels like. What if it’s a blessing in disguise? What if it could change you and all the other aspects of you, being “you”. Cause pain surely will come, but healing comes to those who know how to accept it. Only few people knew that there’s an option. That healing exists. Let the Lord binds up your wounds. Do not merely hide it. Cry for it, shout it out, tell people how weak you are. Carry the burden now and express your self through music. Survive the night by talking to the Lord with grief and humility. He’s looking after you. You’re just good at hiding yourself, your weaknesses, and all of your fears. Be well. Self.
I find you being happy with books you’ve bought from booksale .Or enjoying an ice cream while you sit alone at the bench of 13th street while counting the people who will say hi cause you’re weird. You are never the same girl you were a year ago. You became a fully grown butterfly who chose to walk than to fly. You know that surviving in this world requires humility and so you hide your wings and keep your feet on the ground. You still want hot chocolate and enjoy it while doing some journals. You keep on talking about stars and dreams and all the other weird stuff that keeps on playing game inside your head. You are beautiful without someone telling you that you are. You are still adorable even with or without make up. You enlighten people’s day cause you’re happy to see them smile. If there would be a thing that can bring you down again? Maybe it’s about crying again for people who doesn’t know how to keep you. So fight fearfully. Love deeply. But never surrender that great big heart of yours. To the world of insecurities and self entitlement. To a life full of mediocrity and self righteous reasons. You are! Yes you are! You are the smallest, yet the strongest thing that can weaken the world’s greatest Goliath!
This heart beats for His people.
I was thinking how will I spend my pre valentine celebration for my heart. So I spend my day inside the hospital. There’s no one I could visit inside (thankful) but I just sit there with chocolates on my lap,watching people walked by. There’s an ache as I see people crying while they carry their loved ones sitting in a wheelchair. Or a mother crying while her baby cries before going to the operation room. Seeing someone without feet at all, or talking to a stranger but I couldn’t answer their questions. I was sitting there just overwhelmed about everything that the Lord laid before my eyes. I asked the Lord if he’s also aching for his people. But my stubbornness hit me cause I already know the answer. He knows every details of a person’s heart. But this experience made me realize how short life can be. So be grateful that you have a good health. Enjoy a life worth living and stop comparing the shoes they’re wearing from the shoes you are destined to wear. Laugh to make someone smile for a day. Give little things that will cheer those who are hopeless with their situation. Let these people get some hi. No matter how happy the world outside this love celebration, I will still love to feel the joy of comforting those who are weak and talking to random people about their day. Love is more than chocolates and roses. Love will be an action without validation.
I talked to God about you every night. There are just things that are not meant to happen right now. You came unexpectedly with a mask as I waited for you to arrive. We took the night outside the city lights and watch the people walk by. We shared our thoughts about emotions and you’ve told me how you could hold everything in your hands without even crying. That’s absurd but I admire you for being real. Every detail about you will forever stay with me. But hey, I waited for you to respond when I almost got the chance to. But you never came. It just feels like a dream that you existed in my life. Who are you for the third time? A page left forgotten.
It was my dream to live just near the ocean. I wanna wake up with the sound of the waves calming my ears as I slowly take a sip of hot chocolate. Last night, I lived that dream. The ocean was bluer than what I’ve expected. People are nice and simple, I could even make them smile through my jokes. It just felt so happy in that dream. The ocean calms me and gives me the rest from all of my unending pain. I wonder how God made all of His creation. I wonder if He’s thinking about how will I react from all the beauty they possessed. Maybe I would plan a vacation someday and enjoy the simplicity of life. Being an adult really exhaust me. And when I woke up, reality creeps in again, then I smiled. Instead of being upset waking up from that good dream, I’ll just make that dream happen!
Death. In reality, death is just a part of a human nature. Some people will cringe for a moment whenever they heard it. Some were subconsciously want to know how it feels to die. Others just accept it, but it hurts. It really hurts me when people’s only option is to commit suicide. I’ve been in that situation before when I felt depressed because of all those demons in my head. But thanks God, I’m still alive with a hope that I could overcome whatever comes my way. I see death as a new beginning but there’s still a bit of curiosity if people will be sad when I’m gone. But let’s stay anyway. I want to bring positivity here.
Hey! You! Whatever pain you’re going through right now, I truly don’t understand your pain or whatever reasons why you’re sad and down, but let me tell you this: You are more than the sadness or anxieties you are feeling right now! You are loved and no one can replaced you here in this planet. You are the only you that people will keep on searching if you’re gone. So please stay, you are more precious than gold and you really matter here in this world. I don’t personally know you but if you’re reading this, we have to fight this battle no matter how it takes. We’ll be okay someday. We’ll be better than the former and no one can change the fact that so many people loves you. It’s just that, circumstances really comes as a mighty roaring lion to scare us, to beat us. But you are more than a conqueror! You are an overcomer! You deserve to be happy. So please stay loves 😊. The Lord loves you!
“You have a good voice by the way”
He really made my day. Haha. It is my job as a Customer Service Representative to take calls and help the customers resolve their issues. Some were nice but most of the time, there are rude customers who will mock you personally as you speak with them. I experienced being called an idiot and all the cursed words they could call me. But I remained nice as a marshmallow. Haha. This job really taught me how to patiently understand different people with different personalities. Plus, they are from a foreign country( no need to tell you specifically). It also help me to become a better person. Though some of them are almost getting into my nerves, there are still some people who talked to me nicely and even had an understanding spirit. Bless them. But being in this kind of industry, I learned not to be a toxic person to anyone around me. I felt how hard it is to receive all the blame from people who doesn’t even know me. To receive words that really hurts inside but I have to endure it. That’s my job anyway. I chose to be in this situation, but I’m thankful to experience all of those. Because at the end of the day, someone will surely appreciate how I’ve helped them carry out the issues with their lives.
When you see someone dying in front of your eyes, everything will change. Your whole life will definitely change. Seeing someone who is dear to me taking her last breath is the saddest thing that ever happened to me. That’s the beginning of my battle. Because I see the reality of death even before I just have to start living. It was like seeing the end of the movie instead of enjoying the exciting beginning of the scenes. It was like mourning in a wedding song. I hated this feeling since she died. People will never understand because I loved her so much more than the dreams I created inside my head. She’s part of all my plans and all those little surprises I want to make just to make her happy. This may sound cliche’ for some who knew me. But. She’ll not be there on my graduation. But I know she’ll come.
You know what really hurts?
They’ll talk to you.
They’ll pretend like they want to know you.
They’ll make you feel better.
After a week, they’ll be gone.
After you trust them.
With your stories.
With the pieces of your soul.
Then you’ll end up hurting.
End up crying in a corner.
With tears running down your whole face.
Because you lost yourself again.
Over and over again.
I welcomed you.
Then leave like I never gave something so much important to me.
Give me those pages, I’m not done yet.