TEN 

  1. I loved tears. I love tears. I will love tears. As I heard him crying so hard to make me stay, I loved him more. Love covers all the measures of pain we’ve been feeling. What makes you stay? 

Maybe love can be unfair sometimes. We could not choose the day when we used to admire someone so much until it captivates our soul for so long. It maybe good to feel how we become happy over simple things until we collide into the idea of actually loving a person without hesitation. 

But how could I ask you to love me if you can’t even appreciate that I exist. Your smile makes my heart flutter as it continue to beat without you hearing it. It’s not over yet. I’ll continue annoying you until you get mad at me, if it’s the only way for you to stay. Keep on hesitating. Keep on thinking that I’m in pain. Keep on believing that I’m still hoping, that one day, you’ll love me back. Keep on seeing me pretending happy infront of you and him. Keep on hurting me. Hesitate and come back to me. Come back to me if he’s been busy and you have no one to talk to. Come back whenever you feel alone . I’m just right here, ready to hold your hands if you were cold. I’ll drive you home. 

Give me a chance to be with you and let’s create memories that will remind you that I exist. Show me sometimes that we can’t just be friends. That I could be your man. Hey Jackson. I love you. And if loving you would make you hesitate, then look at me. Not just to make me feel okay but to make me feel that I can be your man. Please stay and hesitate. 

But I have to go now. Please be happy. Do not let your life gets boring. Ride a bicycle. Go on a park. Eat everything you want. Annoy everyone. Show them what you’ve got. Believe in your self. Be a writer and make people enjoy your company. Let them love you. But let me go this time. 

I know you’ll miss me and every little chit chats we’ve talked about. Every street foods we’ve been enjoying to eat. Every night we get drunk and laugh as if I pushes you but I’m not. Everytime you cried. Those days we shared the same paths of on and off. Hey, miss me okay? I’m in pain to go and change my life again. Please don’t change. You’re pretty whether your hair is done or not. 

You are beautiful. And thank you for hesitating. 

-TEN 

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Failure


And here I go again. Writing about anything that just popped out of my mind. It really hurts until now. How they gave out a lot of shits about our thesis. And yes, they’re questioning the results which is not right to be true. I hate it. I will never forget what happened and that was the darkest moment that I almost vomit everything I ate.(eww) But seriously, they’re too biased not to accept the results. That fucking hurts. They supposed to accept the result as it was but they just used their power  so we could be miserable as this. But, what we can actually do then? That’s totally wrong. 

I was praying hard before everything but? Who am I question God after all? Maybe it’s just an indication that God will bring all these ruins into life. No matter how helpless we are right now, I still trust Him that he’ll do something for us. Failure is the key to success and I can’t be an asshole who will rant everything and do nothing. I’ll prove them wrong and slap them all our papers . Hahaha. (Evil laugh) I cried a lot yesterday and that’s enough . Those tears came from all the hardships that haven’t been appreciated. For all the nights I suffered while doing what they want. For all those sleepless nights I think about that shitty papers. It doesn’t help anyway. But I need to be strong and cheer up no matter how tiring and stressful it will be. Failure doesn’t define who we are. It doesn’t mean that we’re stupid. That we are worthless. It took a thousand times of effort to completely combined all those papers, but in our surprise, they won’t be objective enough to attack the person not than the study.

But why do I have to write all of these? Because it just hurt. Like every piece of me wants to give up. Like, hey little girl, do you feel the pain while you’re down on your knees? After all those tears, my classmates and friends hugged me so tight while asking why? Why do we have to do it all over again? Is everything I did not enough? We don’t deserve it. But do we?

As I walked down the streets, I tried to ask the Lord why? Until all those traumatic voices of the panels changed into comforts and sympathy that my friends offered for me. I really love their hugs. And that’s enough to ease all these pain that had been killing me inside. I want to thank them for being just beside me and telling me that it’s okay. That it’s going to be alright. I just loved that moment. Where everyone really cares for me and gave me a piece of themselves. That in everyday that I feel like a failure, they reminds me that no, You are NOT a failure. A single failure doesn’t define who you are. It just mean that I haven’t done it yet. Yes. It’s not over. We have one more chance and I’m gonna chin up and face the world with confidence that they could knock me once, but I will never be the same weak girl they have seen crying. 

Diversity

Bahaghari or in english, RAINBOW. That’s totally our title for our dokyu short and it’s about the views and opinions of different religions about LGBT community. Actually, this was the idea of Earl, our presentor who is also a part of LGBT. Our purpose here is to let people know differences based on the faith of selected people from Catholics, Iglesia, Mormons and Jesus is Lord. 

This experience is quite challenging because it was my first time entering different churches and dealing with different people with different faiths. We are talking about diversity here and I could say that they’re too accomodating and nice. I never been to Iglesia before and their deep thoughts about their faith can surely moved you into some questions about beliefs.

Then we go to Mormons, they’re not too strict there but they’re nice tho. I’m not gonna tell about their opinions about the lgbt community but I want to tell you this: they share the same bible verses and used the same bible that unites them as a religion. Yes, they have their integrity in terms of their faith but I loved the way they prayed for us. They were sincere enough to think about us and I do really appreciate their kind heart to accomodate us even tho were not one of them. LGBT community deserves respect  and love, and yes, they are different but differences make us humans. They are the ones who needs to be loved and attend churches because actually, sometimes we used to condemn them. We need to accept them to our churches because they should know that God loves them. Not their sins or whatever it is hindering them from drawing close to God. 

Diversity. It is a word that describe differences of people. That no matter who you are in the society, you deserve the same respect as the others. That if you’re a gay, it doesn’t mean that you can’t be in church and you’re not supposed to worship the Lord. Love is something we could use to divide our opinions into unity that everyone is different yet they still belong. I liked to hug them all. Actually we could love them in any forms. 

But?

Life is special. And so is you. There may be times when you wanna think how messy your hair, how gruesome are the movies you’ve watched, how grumpy things end, how insulting a person was. But. A liitle bit of but always haunt us to the point of doubt. But gives us the thinking of, “I could have done it but..”
You definitely doubt yourself the first time you said the word “but”. It is a deadly word for me because it could hurt anyone whose been ready yet, unsure of themselves. It is both an excuse and basically sometimes a way for you to improve yourself. It is an excuse for people who sees themselves on the middle of nowhere to go. An unexplainable thought of should I continue or quit? Do I have to do that or not? Do I have to prove something or not? But nothing will happen. 

Everything will fall on its places and no one could ever stop the moment where the only place you can hide your pain is you alone. And if you find yourself again, nursing your own wounds, you’ll still mend yourself in a corner and continue to breath and ask yourself why? Why do you have to believe buts’ ?why do we have to show the world how hypocrite we are to hurt ourself while being happy for other people? Why do we keep on being happy for others while forgetting the fact that we are lonely inside our creepy side. 

Why do we keep on illuminating ourself into our endless expectations that we could be happy yet broken. We could be grateful yet complainant. We could be good yet rude as well. 

These questions give me the guts to say, okay, I’ll do it anyways. No buts and doubts. 

Busy?

Amidst all pain this whole week, there’s no way I could skip this one. Haha. We’re having our Sine-Dokyu Festival on the same day of our EDPSYCOM week and Thesis defense is at hand. Behold, so much stress is coming. Thinking all about my seven subjects with all those outputs to be passed on time, I could say that this will be my hell sem. Okay, I’m serious about it and I do really love it. Shootings, practices,ambush interviews, radio and tv productions, shitty thesis, newspaper, photographs, educational program, developmental program, okay I’m still alive. Am I? 

These things gave me the courage to love what I chose. I chose to be an AB Comm and it’s challenging tho. Haha may be for other people this idea creeps out of their mind, this was totally awesome. I believe that you won’t get tired of anything as long as you love and enjoy it. And maybe that’s what I’m feeling right now. I love it!

Let’s talk about being passionate. Sometimes, we thought endless times of passing the exams, getting an A+ or totally being a nerd? But do we really love it? Or we just do it for the sake of our pretentious grades😂. Nah. 

But to be honest, yes. Maybe?

Oftentimes, I do that for the sake of bringing up my ego that hey! I memorized all the terms on the book. I will totally get high grades! Haha. We all do that ! But having deep reason why I did these things passionately is totally good. Being an introverted human with shy voice who couldn’t say what she wanna say, or suggest what she want to be an outcome is driving me nuts. I’m sometimes stupid enough to admit it but hell, yeah why am I like this?. But now? I changed a lot and I know that this is the best version of me. Talking to my groupmates, hugging them, laughing loud, eating lunch with them, and lastly taking pictures to ease myself from all the stress in life. So here we are…

Placid Production with Rolyn,Tine, Janine,Jyssa and me. Jump 😂hey 

While doing our thesis. And helping out each other. We’re not totally groupmates but hey, overnight is totally fun. 

During our Campelikula😂 I forgot the name of the speakers but I learned a lot from them. 😂

Our very own, Short film and Dokyu-short. 😄 

Thinking about it makes me wanna smile because finally, we’ll be having our third sine dokyu festival and I’m totally excited. I’m gonna tell stories about our documentary after this and I hope that it could raise voices out of the box. ☺