TEN 

  1. I loved tears. I love tears. I will love tears. As I heard him crying so hard to make me stay, I loved him more. Love covers all the measures of pain we’ve been feeling. What makes you stay? 

Maybe love can be unfair sometimes. We could not choose the day when we used to admire someone so much until it captivates our soul for so long. It maybe good to feel how we become happy over simple things until we collide into the idea of actually loving a person without hesitation. 

But how could I ask you to love me if you can’t even appreciate that I exist. Your smile makes my heart flutter as it continue to beat without you hearing it. It’s not over yet. I’ll continue annoying you until you get mad at me, if it’s the only way for you to stay. Keep on hesitating. Keep on thinking that I’m in pain. Keep on believing that I’m still hoping, that one day, you’ll love me back. Keep on seeing me pretending happy infront of you and him. Keep on hurting me. Hesitate and come back to me. Come back to me if he’s been busy and you have no one to talk to. Come back whenever you feel alone . I’m just right here, ready to hold your hands if you were cold. I’ll drive you home. 

Give me a chance to be with you and let’s create memories that will remind you that I exist. Show me sometimes that we can’t just be friends. That I could be your man. Hey Jackson. I love you. And if loving you would make you hesitate, then look at me. Not just to make me feel okay but to make me feel that I can be your man. Please stay and hesitate. 

But I have to go now. Please be happy. Do not let your life gets boring. Ride a bicycle. Go on a park. Eat everything you want. Annoy everyone. Show them what you’ve got. Believe in your self. Be a writer and make people enjoy your company. Let them love you. But let me go this time. 

I know you’ll miss me and every little chit chats we’ve talked about. Every street foods we’ve been enjoying to eat. Every night we get drunk and laugh as if I pushes you but I’m not. Everytime you cried. Those days we shared the same paths of on and off. Hey, miss me okay? I’m in pain to go and change my life again. Please don’t change. You’re pretty whether your hair is done or not. 

You are beautiful. And thank you for hesitating. 

-TEN 

Failure


And here I go again. Writing about anything that just popped out of my mind. It really hurts until now. How they gave out a lot of shits about our thesis. And yes, they’re questioning the results which is not right to be true. I hate it. I will never forget what happened and that was the darkest moment that I almost vomit everything I ate.(eww) But seriously, they’re too biased not to accept the results. That fucking hurts. They supposed to accept the result as it was but they just used their power  so we could be miserable as this. But, what we can actually do then? That’s totally wrong. 

I was praying hard before everything but? Who am I question God after all? Maybe it’s just an indication that God will bring all these ruins into life. No matter how helpless we are right now, I still trust Him that he’ll do something for us. Failure is the key to success and I can’t be an asshole who will rant everything and do nothing. I’ll prove them wrong and slap them all our papers . Hahaha. (Evil laugh) I cried a lot yesterday and that’s enough . Those tears came from all the hardships that haven’t been appreciated. For all the nights I suffered while doing what they want. For all those sleepless nights I think about that shitty papers. It doesn’t help anyway. But I need to be strong and cheer up no matter how tiring and stressful it will be. Failure doesn’t define who we are. It doesn’t mean that we’re stupid. That we are worthless. It took a thousand times of effort to completely combined all those papers, but in our surprise, they won’t be objective enough to attack the person not than the study.

But why do I have to write all of these? Because it just hurt. Like every piece of me wants to give up. Like, hey little girl, do you feel the pain while you’re down on your knees? After all those tears, my classmates and friends hugged me so tight while asking why? Why do we have to do it all over again? Is everything I did not enough? We don’t deserve it. But do we?

As I walked down the streets, I tried to ask the Lord why? Until all those traumatic voices of the panels changed into comforts and sympathy that my friends offered for me. I really love their hugs. And that’s enough to ease all these pain that had been killing me inside. I want to thank them for being just beside me and telling me that it’s okay. That it’s going to be alright. I just loved that moment. Where everyone really cares for me and gave me a piece of themselves. That in everyday that I feel like a failure, they reminds me that no, You are NOT a failure. A single failure doesn’t define who you are. It just mean that I haven’t done it yet. Yes. It’s not over. We have one more chance and I’m gonna chin up and face the world with confidence that they could knock me once, but I will never be the same weak girl they have seen crying. 

Diversity

Bahaghari or in english, RAINBOW. That’s totally our title for our dokyu short and it’s about the views and opinions of different religions about LGBT community. Actually, this was the idea of Earl, our presentor who is also a part of LGBT. Our purpose here is to let people know differences based on the faith of selected people from Catholics, Iglesia, Mormons and Jesus is Lord. 

This experience is quite challenging because it was my first time entering different churches and dealing with different people with different faiths. We are talking about diversity here and I could say that they’re too accomodating and nice. I never been to Iglesia before and their deep thoughts about their faith can surely moved you into some questions about beliefs.

Then we go to Mormons, they’re not too strict there but they’re nice tho. I’m not gonna tell about their opinions about the lgbt community but I want to tell you this: they share the same bible verses and used the same bible that unites them as a religion. Yes, they have their integrity in terms of their faith but I loved the way they prayed for us. They were sincere enough to think about us and I do really appreciate their kind heart to accomodate us even tho were not one of them. LGBT community deserves respect  and love, and yes, they are different but differences make us humans. They are the ones who needs to be loved and attend churches because actually, sometimes we used to condemn them. We need to accept them to our churches because they should know that God loves them. Not their sins or whatever it is hindering them from drawing close to God. 

Diversity. It is a word that describe differences of people. That no matter who you are in the society, you deserve the same respect as the others. That if you’re a gay, it doesn’t mean that you can’t be in church and you’re not supposed to worship the Lord. Love is something we could use to divide our opinions into unity that everyone is different yet they still belong. I liked to hug them all. Actually we could love them in any forms. 

But?

Life is special. And so is you. There may be times when you wanna think how messy your hair, how gruesome are the movies you’ve watched, how grumpy things end, how insulting a person was. But. A liitle bit of but always haunt us to the point of doubt. But gives us the thinking of, “I could have done it but..”
You definitely doubt yourself the first time you said the word “but”. It is a deadly word for me because it could hurt anyone whose been ready yet, unsure of themselves. It is both an excuse and basically sometimes a way for you to improve yourself. It is an excuse for people who sees themselves on the middle of nowhere to go. An unexplainable thought of should I continue or quit? Do I have to do that or not? Do I have to prove something or not? But nothing will happen. 

Everything will fall on its places and no one could ever stop the moment where the only place you can hide your pain is you alone. And if you find yourself again, nursing your own wounds, you’ll still mend yourself in a corner and continue to breath and ask yourself why? Why do you have to believe buts’ ?why do we have to show the world how hypocrite we are to hurt ourself while being happy for other people? Why do we keep on being happy for others while forgetting the fact that we are lonely inside our creepy side. 

Why do we keep on illuminating ourself into our endless expectations that we could be happy yet broken. We could be grateful yet complainant. We could be good yet rude as well. 

These questions give me the guts to say, okay, I’ll do it anyways. No buts and doubts. 

Busy?

Amidst all pain this whole week, there’s no way I could skip this one. Haha. We’re having our Sine-Dokyu Festival on the same day of our EDPSYCOM week and Thesis defense is at hand. Behold, so much stress is coming. Thinking all about my seven subjects with all those outputs to be passed on time, I could say that this will be my hell sem. Okay, I’m serious about it and I do really love it. Shootings, practices,ambush interviews, radio and tv productions, shitty thesis, newspaper, photographs, educational program, developmental program, okay I’m still alive. Am I? 

These things gave me the courage to love what I chose. I chose to be an AB Comm and it’s challenging tho. Haha may be for other people this idea creeps out of their mind, this was totally awesome. I believe that you won’t get tired of anything as long as you love and enjoy it. And maybe that’s what I’m feeling right now. I love it!

Let’s talk about being passionate. Sometimes, we thought endless times of passing the exams, getting an A+ or totally being a nerd? But do we really love it? Or we just do it for the sake of our pretentious grades😂. Nah. 

But to be honest, yes. Maybe?

Oftentimes, I do that for the sake of bringing up my ego that hey! I memorized all the terms on the book. I will totally get high grades! Haha. We all do that ! But having deep reason why I did these things passionately is totally good. Being an introverted human with shy voice who couldn’t say what she wanna say, or suggest what she want to be an outcome is driving me nuts. I’m sometimes stupid enough to admit it but hell, yeah why am I like this?. But now? I changed a lot and I know that this is the best version of me. Talking to my groupmates, hugging them, laughing loud, eating lunch with them, and lastly taking pictures to ease myself from all the stress in life. So here we are…

Placid Production with Rolyn,Tine, Janine,Jyssa and me. Jump 😂hey 

While doing our thesis. And helping out each other. We’re not totally groupmates but hey, overnight is totally fun. 

During our Campelikula😂 I forgot the name of the speakers but I learned a lot from them. 😂

Our very own, Short film and Dokyu-short. 😄 

Thinking about it makes me wanna smile because finally, we’ll be having our third sine dokyu festival and I’m totally excited. I’m gonna tell stories about our documentary after this and I hope that it could raise voices out of the box. ☺ 

Not Good Enough

Some were saying that I’m lucky to have a camera, yet I don’t use it with passion. Passion requires you some drive to go and show the world what you’ve got, but not because I wasn’t posting photos showing how I used my camera doesn’t mean that I’m an idiot and I don’t know how to use it assholes✌ peace yow. I just hated the fact that they want me to prove something. Duhhhhh people duhhhhh. Whatever!. But their words inspired me to go, get my life in to that mediocre world that hide me for years. 

There are too many critics in this world  but choose people who could appreciate you. I am my own judge  and if being good enough gives you the permission to insult people, then go and deal with it. You will reap what you sow someday. 

Happy Valentines Dear

Hey we celebrate valentines day today with bitterness ohh come on pips. Lots of guys brought flowers and chocolates while the single people suffered in jealousy( well, not all of them exclude me😂). Actually celebrating this kind of “season of love” is really great for all of us. We taught about the person we cherish and greet them with baloons, cakes, chocolates even witg cards. Carved in a piece of paper are words beyond “i love you” sarranghae”, “te amo”, it sumo” or whatever language you could probably use to tell them how you sincerely love them. I’m into writing valentines cards since I was a child back then, until now, I still do. I’ve wrote 3 letters to my 3 special friends. I’m glad they appreciate it.😚 For someone who always wanted to be loved back, that’s quite made my day. Ohh we also have our meeting for sine-dokyu festival and I loved the team effort. We named our production into something that really defined us, “PLACID” haha that was good. Cause almost everyone of us are quiet . Haha. 

Then we sink..

Let’s go back to our Valentines. Though people would think of it as a simple day of giving gifts and love, for me, it’s an epidemic. You heard it right!. It’s an epidemic of unavoidable, undescribable type of love. You don’t know when you would fall inlove with people. It just come out ! Out of the blue! That was awesome! We really looked beyond perfection and sees the one we loved that they are irreplacable. That they are indeed good at making us fall into their endless magic that brings us into paradise of joy and gratitude. Feeling it until it burst into the motion of our cellulite and every nerves that connects us into our senses. Do I make sense here? Well it’s my blog anyway, I don’t care. Love is not a war between races of people. White or black, Christian or Muslim, Straight or Homosexual. Hey people, it’s about loving anyway. God doesn’t ask you to be perfect to be loved. He loves us no matter who we are. 

Woderfully Made

Good things come to those who patiently wait and since valentines is near,then I’m going to go with this topic. This may sound cliche’ but have you experienced being inlove with yourself? Or should I say, have you fallen inlove with yourself several times? Haha. Just to make it exciting, let’s do some meditation about our own being. 
Loving yourself requires acceptance of everything that God has already given you. The Lord did not make a mistake creating your flat, pointed nose or whatever it looks like. He created it with a greater purpose. Little did you know how many people on this earth loved that kind of nose. I’m kidding. But seriously, everyone deserves a piece of acceptance to appreciate every fabric of our souls. I love the way mandisa gave inspiration to those black women whose been battling with self acceptance. Even Beth Moore whose been best seller for her book “So Long Insecurities”. Reading books promoting self-love is just good for our soul. It’s better than anything. Haha. Girls struggle with what real beauty looks like. Do we need to look like Kim Kardasian? What about Selena Gomez? If we’re going to be like them then should we be satisfied?.

In the Philippines, we see Liza Soberano as one of the most beautiful whether with or without make up. She’s naturally beautiful. To be honest, most of our atists here are half blood. They were vampires!. Hahha. Just joking. They have blood from their foreign mother/father. That was totally the nature here in choosing artists, ” they should be beautiful”. That was the standard of beauty that most of us pursues . Because we think that it might help us be loved by everybody. But remember, even Liza has bashers. It may not too serious to talk about but advertisements created standards on what products we should used. There comes so many products that promises to have whiter or pimple free skin. Supplements that could loose pounds or syrups that could make you grow like the Paras brothers. Yikes. 

People pursue to be “what they see on television” where in reality, even fake beauty can be edited. Figures can be deceitful. That’s how advertisements work, they would make us believe that being beautiful and pimple free is important. That being white is being beautiful. Being tall is great. You’re ugly when you don’t wear make up. You’re not pleasing when you’re fat or thin. You’re a boy if you don’t have bigger boobs. Oh come on people, let’s stop being so perfectionist. Embrace yourself for how original you can be. I always ended up believing this:

” You are fearfully and wonderfully made”

Believe me, you are indeed woderful. You’re suweeeeeg. You’re unique and no one could replace being you in this world. No matter how you look, be confident. You reign on your own whether with or without people making you feel loved. 

Hey woderful, smile! 

Weaker Version

You can’t be rude, unless you don’t know that person well. While hearing those stories, it makes me.wanna cry for a moment. Those are not just ordinary life stories. Actually I never met people like them whose life have been so hard? I can’t say if it was hard but needless to say, they’re funny and happy whenever you’ll see them giggling with their friends. Instead of remembering those pretty hard moments they tend to laugh and show the world that they can’t be defeated. I really loved them because of that. Seeing  weaker version of them shows me that I should be nicer to people even though how rude or miserable they treated me. Yes, they could hurt me but understanding them behind their mask is  great compassion. We sometimes say what negative thoughts we have for a person without trying to know them deeply. Maybe this is just one of the nature of human endeavor,

“If it doesn’t please us, we choose hate”

Instead of love, we hate a person based on how they looked? How they impress or hurt us. How they talked? Based on their english speaking skills, on how rich or poor they are, how they dress, how skinny? What degrees they have and most especially how good they are. 

We forget to look beyond the curtains of life. And deny the fact that without those degree in college, beautiful face, skinny skin, fabulous dress, money and their skills , they won’t be the same person anymore. We created labels on how we should judge or perceive someone. If they did not pass your standard, then they’ll be the lowest people that you could drop down on the ground if ya know how to be a devil. 

Whenever I passed by people whether inside the malls or on the streets, I wanted to say how much I valued their existence. They matter. No matter what products you sell, what kind of smell they have, how good or bad they looked that day, how sure or unsure they were with their life, 

” They matter”

Making them feel that you respect them is enough. Everyone deserve that. Not because for the sake of doing that but because you’re all humans. You all matter. 

While writing this, I thought of the people in Luneta. Some were dating, ( cause valentines is near) some were having time with their families, some were students who were practicing but some were sleeping on the ground. Seeing those unfortunate people made me realized that, people are all in the same world. We could not boast about anything on anyone. We’re not higher or lower than anybody. All those people are having fun inside of that park, and one thing is for sure. 

” Happiness if free for anyone ”

Spread love, spread happiness, stop living the standards of this world, believe me , It won’t make you happy. Let us leave the weaker version of us here. Here in the dark. 

The Idea of Love

Why do we hurt the ones we love? Why do we destroy the ones we thought the one? I’m talking about love right now and it sounds like I’m being broke by the idea of love. I’ve been thinking if love could make us whole as a human but why do we keep on feeling the same pain over and over again. Words cut deep here in my heart as he uttered the words about his complains about us. What’s wrong with being inlove? I just can’t accept how things gone wrong. Seeing myself in the middle of the night, waiting for him to come home sucks. I just can’t take it how the same person who makes you feel valued suddenly changed because of ..
“It’s not always about us”

Those words clearly showed me how we should put ourself in his life. I wanted to shout every pain you’ve given me all throughout the years. And if you’re going to be back again, I’ll give you triple of the pain you made me feel. Finding myself under a blanket while crying nonstop is just stupid. Why would I cry for someone whose purpose leads me into great sadness. Maybe love can be cruel when we felt how hard it is to endure every lies and secrets that have been divulge for years. I hate the idea of being so inlove with the same person all at the same time. 

“It hurts like I have to ripped off my heart out of my chest”

Like, how to forget all those happy memories you shared if all you remembered were the facts that you can’t share him your dreams anymore. Deciding to end up all these repeatable cycle would be hard but what if I can’t? 

Right now, I wasn’t expecting him to do this but. I’ll quit anyway. Okay break me more, tore me into pieces and I’ll be willing to bring back all these to your ego. 

But you know what?

I can’t because the idea of loving you is insanely driving me nuts. It may be painful but I always ends up with forgiveness. And maybe? That’s how love really works. It makes us a new person who is willing to accept the flaws while loving every fabric of their soul. Being manipulated with their shitty words no matter how sugar coated they were. This is love. It never changes even to the smartest person in the world. You’ll be numb, sarcastically insane and crazy. It makes you happy and damn sad at the same time. But the idea of loving him would be the best part, no matter how many tears I cried or how many nights I’ll wait. But wait, do I love him? 

or ” I just love the idea of loving him?”

I’m still inlove with the same person I’ve seen,  the first time I opened up my eyes while crying because I’m alive. If you know what I really mean. 

In this world, your worldly parents could abandoned you but God will never leave you.