It’s been two months of wandering, of where to go, what to do and who will be. But the biggest question will be : of until when am I gonna wander without even a compass. No words from a mentor, no tap from a long lost friend, no shoulder to cry on, no one to begin with. Just silently working on my own, achieving goals I never thought I would’ve make it, surrounding myself with completely different people. Still growing with my fake confidence, binge eating, going to places without taking any pictures, making crazy things out of my curiosity. And then finally, I just realized that this is the life that I wanted. Out of people’s drama, knowing that I have to deal with my own, that It is not a requirement to always be the “go to person” of every friends, peers because I have my own battle. It is indeed selfish for some. But I think, choosing my self for now is the best decision I’ve ever made in my whole life. You don’t know all the scratches I’ve had, bruises, endless cries and sleepless nights by making other people feel good about themselves while I’m sufferring from their myseries. Cheers to all the years I lied about being strong for people I valued, for hiding the truth by making a lot of emoticon faces to all the people I genuinely love. They matter to me but please understand that I’m just too overwhelmed and just wanted my sanity back. I love you all.
Someday, my world will be filled with words coming from my mind. My dreams will shatter and everyone will know how I tried. It may be just a random guess of what I thought I would accomplish but I promise you, I will. If someday you will not find me putting words into paper always remember that I am on the other side playing guitar with my old favourite songs. Asking questions to strangers, making a good laugh with the angels, crying infront of the broken mirror. It’s just me. Do not try to draw a lot of false impressions or emotions inside your heads. I promise you, none of those will fit the idea of who I really am. Cause it’s just me. Crazy enough to make you think too much about life. You’ll always figure out what’s wrong with me but even a single puzzle piece will never make you right. I’m good at playing dumb, just so you know that I hate attention so do not talk to me. Do not ever try to force me to socialize with a lot of masks in the streets. They never matter to me.
Your hands, your lips and all the things combined, your laugh, your giggles, together with your smile. Maybe it’s just too shallow for some but you making me think twice about love is something you can’t notice at once. Maybe you’re too young, or maybe I’m just too dumb. I’ve felt a single touch of the sky whenever our conversations goes beyond. You’re a book no one could read because of some secrets you have to keep, you’re a keeper, I’m wasted. I just don’t why out of all the people at night, it was you and always be you I wanted to love.
I felt the verge of death that time and it was so courageous, so fearless, so warm. I’ve never felt so brave before. It was so dark yet calming to my ears, caressing the inner monster inside me, pulling out all the secrets in my mind, showing all the memories I can’t resist. I was too numb to feel anything at all. Realizing how emptiness can be heavy that time. But I woke up, 10:12 in the morning still trying to feel that stillness again, seeking for more numbness again and again and again. But i’ts morning. My greatest enemy. Where all my unknown excerpt were gone, my pages combined, my stories burned, my lovers storm. Maybe if I’ll close my eyes there will be some touch of the dark, of not wanting to be seen, the urge to vanish just maybe. Not sure if it will be given. But you came in September.
I saw a little girl celebrating her 7th birthday. She was so happy holding a plastic with all her gifts from other kids who wished her a happybirthday. It was a sunny afternoon full of people walking by, with their families, friends, and here I am writing at the corner with thoughts on how to continue living while still seeking where to go after. I wish I can be that 7 years old kid again. Popping bubble wrappers, smiling to strangers, crying before classes, narrating how my classmates skipped classes, eating chocolates during breaks. I wish my feelings are valid just like when I was younger. Today, I have to look good infront of many people, I should be organized with my things cause that’s what they called appropriate, I should skip meals not to get fat, have to clean my face to avoid pimples at all cost, I should be quiet cause people are woke asf, I should choose who I can share my thoughts with because not everyone are trust worthy. This is the world I live for years now. Peculiar yet demanding for perfection. Righteous yet trying to be cool infront of monstrous situation. I am winning yet tired of all my bruises. Can I be happier without trying to prove my existence.? Please tell me that crying during 2am is okay. That making excuses because I’m overwhelmed is acceptable. I’m just too tired of making an attempt to regain my sanity. Please help me and make it easier for me.
Seeing you crying while I’m pretending to be strong enough to comfort you is a whole different story. I’ve been seeing people so broken, so helpless and undeniably so sad with leaving but yours is something I couldn’t take. It’s the first time seeing you so weak, having no choice but to leave and continue fighting while I’m waiting. Your eyes are red thinking that I’ ll be all alone on my birthday next week. I felt so numb that time, and all I can say is, “ it’s okay” . But behind those words, yeahhh it’s really okay spending my birthday alone while we’re apart from each other. What matters to me so much is seeing you again soon with your smile waving at me, with great big hugs from you who have been so strong enough for your family. You are brave hun. Yes you are.
I’m now the girl who decided to eat chips and chocolate drink before exercise. Who would rather have alone time in a cemetery than walking in a crowded places full of strangers. I prefer to watch leaves falling than listening to people talking about things that includes other people’s lives. I would rather sit alone here, watching birds fly, peacefully starring at the blue sky while children are playing with their own guns made of sticks and stones as their bullet. I find simple things worth looking at, and if ever one day, this place I used to have will change. Please don’t remove the tree where I used to curve his name. That’s the only memory of my first kiss and a yes. In the place where the dead people reside, my love is willing to live until it dies.
I didn’t tell you I love you when you confessed your feelings in the middle of the night. You love me without expecting few words in return, you prayed for me without the intent of being selfish enough to ask for me. You made me realized that I’m still worthy even how many times I’ve been broken down by the same person over and over again. You never lied when you ask me to hold your hand, or when you asked me to play with the little kid while the stars are shining bright. You never lied when you run towards me and tell me not to cry. You never lied when you offered your jacket or when you told me if I’m okay cause I’m not really doing fine. You’ve showed me that even in the shortest period of time, I can still be happy without people validating my existence. You took the chance, and I don’t. Cause it’s too hard to be with you, if loving me would just hurt you.
If one day, fate will sing us a song, it may be very painful. Cause It includes every memories of me, letting you go.
Send me a new song.
It was scattered dream. Passion lost. Broken guitars, faded colors, crumbled papers, unfinished thoughts, periods on poems, heart wrestled, mumbled words, mic dropped, burned books and a foolish mind.
Would you still continue ?
My answer is yes. I’ll still pick up every dreams no matter how hopeless it may seem. Will still find the passion for people that has been lost for a very long time. Will still fix all of the broken chords and untuned voices inside my head. Will still make an art no matter how faded it will be cause I believe that it will still look wonderful. Will still write another piece of a story even it will stain sometimes in my heart. Will still think of another way to be happy again. Will still change the rhythm of my poem and will make it a song. Will still teach my heart to see those are unseen. Will still tell people that they’ve done great and deserve a clap. Will still sing my favorite songs even how cracked my voice is. Will still meet a lot of characters inside the book of all their stories. Will still find it reckless to love more people.
Why would I stop the pressure if it will help me grow into the deeper part of my soul? Why would I reject so many good people if the main idea of loving is accepting love without reasons. Why would I hide myself from you? If revealing my weaknesses will change my heart into loving you.
No one would ever notice the nights I spent crying for all those old memories. It was just too dark, too emotional to think of. I couldn’t even press play. Cause how? How will I forget those scene? How am I gonna tell anyone about it if it’s too shameful, disgraceful for me? or maybe I’m just the only one thinking about it. Hey if ever you’ll read this, can you please ask if I’m still okay? Cause it will help a lot. Bring me to the nearest ice cream shop or cafe. Let’s talk about life. Comfort me with your happy and some despicable memories. Share me some stories, your passion, your dreams. Tell me your frustrations, and everything that’s bothering you. Wave at me. Talk to me. I’m not bored. Just unhappy. bye.