I do really love seeing someone happy, but looking to myself I could possibly say that “I am really happy”. Happy though there are some trials I have to face this time to stregthen my faith. Happy inspite of all those past I have to forget. And at last! Happy because the Lord has given me enough courage to face everything with that big smile.
We really can’t be happy if we constantly try to be happy. Yeah that’s right. Happiness can’t be forced and it can’t be masked with a fake smile. Eyes always speak. I believe that if you’re sad, then cry it out. If you feel damn bad about anything then shout it out. You have to be true to your soul. To that fragile part you have. But, happiness can be manifested only if we bring out our childish old self.
I still enjoy coloring books that children usually do. Nah . I’m not being a kid here, hey, why not?
You can still eat a lot of lollipops and buy cute socks you used to have when you’re little. You can still swing at the playground and slide along with children who are enjoying their first try. Remember everything that makes you happy before. Those simple things that could possibly bring out fun and excitement inside you. I won’t actually judge you! Haha I’ll play with you!
You left me uncolored.
You left me unwanted, until one day,
You came back with lots of crayons
I asked you why you let me suffered in white for so long,
But you hugged me in screaming colors
You make me blue when I haven’t seen you
But you make me wonderful even without cue
I asked you why you painted white when you left
You told me that you prepared me for something red
Now that you’re here holding me with butterflies in my head,
I will try to color myself without your touch and your help
I became wonderful as ever,
Holding myself with rainbows in my hands
I thanked you for bringing all these colors,
Because without you leaving, I’ll remain white dull and full of sorrow.
I’ve been battling with depression these past few days and I’m on my way to overcome myself, hopefully. I did everything that I could to save myself from all of these negative thoughts I’ve been thinking. Being afraid to open up to people really sucks. They don’t really understand. No matter how hard you explain. No matter how many times you told them, they will never understand but they could listen. Prayer is my only rest. And I hardly pray for a peace of mind and joy in my heart to overcome myself from my negativity. So I get out of the box and started asking my sister. She’s a Psychology student but I’m afraid to ask but I did it anyways. She told me that everyone of us have this kind of ” diathesis stress model” where we could use something to overcome our stress or anything that’s bothering us.
So I started to do things differently. I paint. I listened to music everytime something creeps in.
Messy right? That’s how I feel😂 Just Kidding. After all of these things I feel how things could be better if we try to do things we love. I will now start a new life, new stories that will bring positivity to you. So I’ll leave all those past and start to do great and wonderful things.
I wanted to be heard.
Someday, my voice will be heard and everyone will listen to all my stories that keeps on killing me. I will be heard around the world and become an inspirational speaker that could help thousands of youth who are suffering from depression. I will be used to change the world and become a Filipino writer who writes unceasingly. Loving people and serving them would be my honor. I will be heard. And someday, when that day comes, I will still speak. No matter how small my voice can be. No matter how hard it would be. I will succeed.
I used words to cover up everything that’s been bothering me. I used silence to show you how hard to accept everything I thought was true but unluckily it’s not. I used music to ease all the broken memories of you and me. I used our time like tomorrow will never come. I used every little things that could probably longer the conversation. I used my voice to tell you how much you make me feel secured and happy. I used my smile to make you feel like you should’ve not let me go. I used my feet to come running and chase you. I used my eyes, to anything that would make me believe that it’s not a lie. I used all these pain, to create an art. I used every pen I see to write another story, but you hold the ink and I couldn’t see myself turning another pages. You left me hanging into questions and untamed voices inside my head. You left when you’ve said you won’t do a thing to make me leave. But you stay. You rather stay to my surprise. Stay with her. Away from me.
I am older than that tho.
Being a young adult with lots of responsibilities really scares me. Like, what the hell do I have to learn to understand what adulthood really means.
I am the same girl who loves to watch cartoons and have stupid fights with my siblings. Looking bad whenever I’m just at home, wearing my old t-shirts and ragged shorts( haha). Well I am not the typical youths who are still looking good even at home but, who cares by the way? I still love to play legos and tease my little brotha while playing. Tho you might think that I’m not matured enough to be 21, I could pretend being 21. Haha
Parang kailan lang, crayola lang sa school yung pinoproblema ko. Umiiyak lang ako pag binubully ako ng mga klasmeyt kong shipuden. Badtrip talaga sila oo. Haha. Pero ngayon, pagpasa na sa interviews at pag papanalangin ng maraming tulog na yung inaasam asam mo. Gusto ko ng itigil yung pagtanda, kase alam kong ako na yung aasahan ng maliliit na mga kapatid ko. Ewan ko ba pero diba? Parang mas nakaka excite yata.
Kahapon sa church, nangingig ako sa kinauupuan ko dahil binanggit yung pangalan ko as birthday celebrant. 😂 Grabe yung kaba ko ayoko talaga ng exposure. Pinagpray nila ko lahat at sobrang ang saya lang na ang daming nagpepray para sayo.
I am tired of the things that keeps on wondering why?
Tired of all the medicines I have to take and fight
Tired of all the people that would help me say hi
I am tired of all the silly answers to all my hows’
But i will never be tired believing the same lies
Lies that keeps me alive and tired
Lies that keeps on telling me that everything will be fine
Lies that in the first place will be formidable
Lies that showed me how forbidden it would look like
Lies that I thought would be my first try
I would lie if I tell you I am not tired
Believing myself that I should wear that fake smile .
You could be the star in in the nightsky
Where all of my hopes resides
You could be my jeepney during rush hours
And I I’ll ride with you to the longest mile
We could be the smoke on the streets
Choking everything that’s been bothering
I could be your girl in the middle of highway
And hold your hand till we fall apart and tell, that
We are indescribable but we could be identify
We are the meanest creature when everyone’s been serious about their lives.
You are my great fantasy
My great serendipity
And if we fall inlove today
I’ll promise you,
Thank you for being a part of what I so called “tragedy”. Thank you for being there enough for me to smile and tell all our favourite stuffs that we only understand. Thank you for lifting up a broken soul out of that line where thoughts of discomfort lies. For all those nights you keep on telling me that life is as good as you can see it. I entered a world where “being myself” is just enough to be accepted by anyone who are willing to join my company. Those childish acts of why we should do a thing or not. You gave me a mirror when all I have was a broken one. I’ll always keep it here, in my heart to see myself again in your eyes. But today, I’ll just remind myself that not everyone who once stay will do it continuosly. Not everyone who told you good stories will remain in your chapters. Not everyone who cares will stay. And I know deep here in my soul, I lost one piece cause I gave one to you and that’s worth a try. I’ll never regret it. Maybe someday when I see you, I would smile, but maybe not, but will I ever see you?
– invisible –
To the girl I always love.
You are the strongest girl I ever know. The greatest gift God could ever give. Your eyes always shine as it look at people’s good heart rather than their stains. You are indescribable and the best sister I never had. You keep on smiling ,laughing and cherishing every little things because you’re a keeper and if someone would hurt you again, my fists are ready. Yes, maybe there are times that you’re crying for the same reasons but your tears will be my greatest weakness. You don’t deserve all those pains, and tho my shoulders are small, you can still lie on them too. You keep on inspiring me always to be a better person and to live the dreams I dreamnt. Thank you for being my great companion, my bestfriend, my buddy, you will always be my bellcricket. And only both of us could understand what does it mean. I love you and happy birthday.