For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.— Jeremiah 29:11
I was one step towards the goal that day. To be accepted to the Broadcasting Company I was praying for 2 years already. I can feel the excitement while waiting and got the opportunity to be interviewed by the HR. Overcoming 3 interviews in a day with 3 hours of examination was overwhelming. Tired, hungry, exhausted and happy at the same time. Given all the time to be prepared I was close to have a job offer from my “Dream Company”. I just need to answer all the questions from the HR and go through their personality test. During the interview, I thought that victory is mine; but I was wrong. Her questions hit me hard. Will I be able to bear the severity of all the emotions I will receive from people? Will I be able to exceed all the expectations of the company? Can I really sincerely pray for the people? For his people?
Yeah. I applied as a Partner Service Representative. Job description? I have to pray for people overseas over the phone. A lot of people everyday who are depressed, dying, loosing hope, so many to mention. Well that is my dream. But the fear of myself dragged me to be confuse, confuse if I can handle such purpose.
I know myself well.
There are times that I will hate to talk to people because I was having my anxieties. It was not my forte to comfort people because of my past and I do not really know how to exactly make them feel a little better. I always make an excuse whenever people wish to approach or be friends with me. But that doesn’t end there.
I was quietly praying for people that I love, people who are sick, those who are making a fuss about me or even my dog. I cried silent prayers. Little did they know, I was fighting my battle through that, and I know that my vulnerability always reflect whenever I whisper those names to God. Because I know He listens.
But I gave up my dream.
I refused to take the personality test after a good cry with the HR. I told her my past. She understood why I decided to withdrew that opportunity. She knew it will be hard for me. And yeah I agreed with her. After the interview I just realized that it is not really a dream. It is something I can do for the rest of my life.
My heart was wrong that time. I was after the success, the opportunity, the brand of the Company. And I think it was the Lord who made me realized that I hit the wrong road again. I understand myself better and made careful decisions after that.
Well, the Lord brought me to a good company right now. I may not have the dream job I was praying for, I know I’m now fulfilling my purpose. His plans are higher indeed.
It’s been two months of wandering, of where to go, what to do and who will be. But the biggest question will be : of until when am I gonna wander without even a compass. No words from a mentor, no tap from a long lost friend, no shoulder to cry on, no one to begin with. Just silently working on my own, achieving goals I never thought I would’ve make it, surrounding myself with completely different people. Still growing with my fake confidence, binge eating, going to places without taking any pictures, making crazy things out of my curiosity. And then finally, I just realized that this is the life that I wanted. Out of people’s drama, knowing that I have to deal with my own, that It is not a requirement to always be the “go to person” of every friends, peers because I have my own battle. It is indeed selfish for some. But I think, choosing my self for now is the best decision I’ve ever made in my whole life. You don’t know all the scratches I’ve had, bruises, endless cries and sleepless nights by making other people feel good about themselves while I’m sufferring from their myseries. Cheers to all the years I lied about being strong for people I valued, for hiding the truth by making a lot of emoticon faces to all the people I genuinely love. They matter to me but please understand that I’m just too overwhelmed and just wanted my sanity back. I love you all.
Someday, my world will be filled with words coming from my mind. My dreams will shatter and everyone will know how I tried. It may be just a random guess of what I thought I would accomplish but I promise you, I will. If someday you will not find me putting words into paper always remember that I am on the other side playing guitar with my old favourite songs. Asking questions to strangers, making a good laugh with the angels, crying infront of the broken mirror. It’s just me. Do not try to draw a lot of false impressions or emotions inside your heads. I promise you, none of those will fit the idea of who I really am. Cause it’s just me. Crazy enough to make you think too much about life. You’ll always figure out what’s wrong with me but even a single puzzle piece will never make you right. I’m good at playing dumb, just so you know that I hate attention so do not talk to me. Do not ever try to force me to socialize with a lot of masks in the streets. They never matter to me.