Mail it To Me

Dear future self. If what I’ve been doing right now will not result to what I have envisioned, I hope you forgive me. Forgive me everytime I stutter infront of people, forgive me that I’m too shy and not approachable to some people and I don’t like the idea of gaining too much friends. I hope you understand all my bad days and appreciate that I’m trying my best not to quit. If ever this won’t be what we prayed for, I hope you still have the courage to start anew and try again to be happy. I hope you gain experiences from all the battle scars we healed. And if one day you realized that life will be too much to handle, remember me looking at you, tapping your back, being proud of what you have become. Whatever will that be, I’ll be happy as long as you live. Please do not take any chance for anyone to mislead you, control you, gaslight you. I’m working on improving the barriers to make it right. Please know that I’ve worked hard to see you smiling with people you loved. I hope you never get tired loving them sincerely. And if one day, you remember me writing these shits while on break, can you please give me a smile? I love you and all the shitty things I won’t regret doing. Keep hustling, little human.

Unfair

You know what’s wrong with my everyday life? The people who are constantly competing with each other, workmates who thinks highly of themselves and have the guts to talk behind my back. A hundred apologies I have to proactively provide in behalf of the company. Anxiety of not meeting the target, of not being one of the best, of being replaced on the spot I’m currently on. I keep track of my goals and bucket list to fulfill, I’ve worked hard enough to be pretty much decent as a woman, I’ve handled difficult conversation very well. But why is it so hard to continue if it seems like I’m making it little by little. I wanna blame this to my anxiety, to my chilhood traumas, to my relationship failures, to my family who treated me like a cashcow, to the people who contributed to my low self esteem. I badly want to point fingers and wish for them to feel the same but I know It wouldn’t be possible. Everyday I have to remind myself how tired I am with this covid thing, how overwhelming it is to keep up a good job and the happy tone so other people won’t notice the chaos behind your smile. No one would like to see the curtain, no one would like to feel the same burden, no one shares the same story to get where I’m coming from. You expect people to love you, you get betrayal in return. You have given your best to feel like it was enough but you’re being replaced with someone who’s funnier than you. Took me years to redeem myself , took seconds to break the trust I have given. If this life could be described as a trial, is it way much easier to live on the other side? If the universe will give me another chance to live, can I have a life without this suffering I have to bear in mind? I’m tired.

Free Trial

Shutter

I painted my nails today. Walked outside and get enough sunshine. Found a good book about a one sided love novel. Shrugged all the negative energies I can take from reading messages from my office mates. Had my vitamins taken cause I have no appetite at all so I could atleast compensate myself from the past days. Feeling good about the new socks I bought online and made my own coffee using that gift I had back in July. Found out I was a close contact for almost three of my office mates who tested positive for Covid. Yes, we’re fucked up and I hope they get well soon. This covid thing is now becoming normal for us, we work, get paid and make memories with creeps. Saving a lot lately for my emergency funds and future goals. Terminated my insurance policy and will decide to get term insurance instead. Another training on September and I’m still preparing myself from back to back nesters. It would seem like I got it all together but I’m pretty today so I have to take a picture. Haha. I was given this chance to rest for four days but I couldn’t even go out because I’m afraid I could get other people the virus If I also have it in my body. Atleast I have myself tho and a good book. I just wish I bought some art supplies to finally have my passion relive. I’m in good mood and will be planning to rewatch a cute horror movie later on. This life may fucked up your mind but remember to see that tiny line of hope that maybe someday will be better, and you’ll get there.

Padayon

And if one day, I’ll see you holding again those dreams we had in prayer, I hope you get to choose your happiness and source of joy. I wanna see you grabbing all the good times you can cause I know how you’re starving yourself with rest and enough credit to make things happen. I was able to see those eyes focusing on reaching that one mile, in the expense of just letting my hand go freely because you know I’m too slow. I had the loudest clap and the widest smile in your victories and small wins. I have cherished your groan as you cry in pain from sore in your arms, I held your hand in the middle of restlessness in this world. And when you get to see the finish line, I was left out alone in my own armour. You let go of my hand without asking for more, cause you know you now have the whole world. You got now all the things you ever wanted in this world, I’m happy to clap from afar and smile behind the curtains. It’s time for me to have the final say. “You have made a whole mess of doubt and self destructive thoughts in my mind, I never choose to be the one always forgiving mistakes and white lies, but believe me that I’m happy to be the one left out for good” If it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t be this brave girl developing people to unleash the lion in them. I am made for this and thank you for the constant way of you letting me go. I may not have your hand while reaching the top but I gained people behind my back pushing me through. You still got me with these words “Akala mo naman may narating, mas maganda pa nga buhay ko sayo.” Someday the tables will turn.

Don’t

Got all these meds fucked up my mind maybe. I can barely breath and had this pain for three days straight. A breakfast of anxiety, a lot of questioning about my existence. Trying to get by everyday without anyone noticing that I’m not at my best and all I want is to take a good rest. A rest for a year maybe? I missed my grandma but I have no where to go, I know she’s the only one who can fill up this space and I missed how I hug her tightly and feel safer in times like this. Where can I have that same love I felt from her tho. I wasn’t able to even get it from my exes or to my friends. I badly want that right now and I know I can’t have it anymore, cause it was just temporary. I know that nobody loves me as much as she loved me. This is just me trying to vent it out. And no one seems to understand, even one. I don’t even have the energy to reply to anyone and socialize. I hate the thought of just ending things but I know that I couldn’t. I don’t wanna compete, I hate all the dues , the meetings and the people who are adding up to my anxiety. I got no other choice but to keep going. I am tired of my routine, my job, my eating habits, the pain in my body, the people who rely on me. I’m just tired and no where to go. I just wanted to be saved.

Loop

When I grow up, I wanna be happy. Those are words I have to utter everytime trainers are asking what I really want when I was younger. Realistically I wanna be an astronaut, going out from this earth, floating and making memories with stars and no gravity to even feel everyday. I just thought it was just so cool to be different in someway. To be somewhere I cannot call home neither I can call mine. And since I wasn’t even as rich as my boss to go out of the outer space, I just wanna be happy. Living a simple life in a province, just sitting and sipping my coffee in front of the beach. Learning their language, growing flowers, eating real and healthy foods, making a living with lowkey kind of life. Getting my skin tanned because of hardwork, laughing along with people inside the market, organizing the pots and removing excess dried leaves in my garden. I wanna have that kind of life where I don’t have to fit in and be pressured with standards that doesn’t even make any sense. I don’t wanna grow old stressing about all the meetings I have to attend and all the due dates of the bills I have to pay. I wanna live a real life. Reading old books, listening to radio in the afternoon, hearing the birds chirping in the morning, attending feasts and celebrating life in a different way. In a way that I can feel the contentment and the security of just living a life I won’t regret living. I no longer want the hussle of waking up early just to be a corporate slave. Reporting to work on time and keeping myself professional at all times. I wanna be myself atleast once in my life. I wanna be genuinely happy making good memories with my own family. If God will allow, I’ll take that opportunity and grab that chance to start anew. For me that’s happiness.

Yup

Heal me

I’m Mad

No remorse. No guilt of any sort. No apologies. And you will never see in their eyes that they’re afraid to loose you. That’s what I’m afraid of, something I cannot really understand and comprehend. You’re just hoping that maybe by making them feel bad, they might somehow get the idea that they did you wrong but they never realized that. They never see that while you’re giving them the benefit of the doubt, slowly you’re loosing interest and you just wanted to blame yourself because you know that you chose that person but you never had any chance to decline the situation. It’s not you making a fuss about how they betrayed you, it’s the fact that if they love you why did it turn out to be the worst thing they can do to hurt you. You never imagined yourself begging for answers. You saw yourself happy with that person not until they make so many excuses just to be with some other girls they’re attracted to. It’s the memories they’ve deleted inside their phone, the conversations you had you can’t let go of. It’s the way they’re making an effort to do the things that will hurt you, without reconsidering if it might affect you. You know that they have to respect how you would feel but they’re too selfish to even think that you’re waiting for them to come home. Can the Universe be fair enough to have all the people with capability to cheat to be cheated on as well?