A Little While

I was there, during those times when your world was whirling into great sadness. I made sure to tap you at the back,  hug you with  little whispers of “you can make it and you’ll get through this storm again”. You were crying, and I was the last person who wiped your tears that time before we said goodbye cause you’ll be leaving for a while. My heart was so genuine, so heartbroken about the fact that we’ll never see each other for months and you’ll be there alone, with no hands to hold nor comfort from your home. I was there. And being there for you from time to time will never be a guarantee that you’ll still continue to come back home. Maybe I was too dumb to believe that if I love the moon, you’ll be catching the stars. If I love the sun, you’ll be painting some clouds. I thought that love would never be this unfair. I thought that it can always be rainbows and rains. Too blinded with colors of every beginning, I realized that love, is all about forgiving the same soul while striking your own heart with arrows of despair and betrayal. You can never be right, you can never be shallow, you have to be at your best shot. Cause love, sometimes is a mirror of how you view yourself in a mud of despair. You will never be enough, cause the answer is you won’t find a cure, for a heart that isn’t sure.

Still here.

I couldn’t think of any thoughts to describe the mishap, the misunderstanding , the unknown culture of betrayal. It was just too much to carry, too wide to reach even in our dreams. It keeps on living in the reality of our minds. Creating a war between our peace and chaotic experiences. Making a whole lot of foolishness in our being, considering the trust to be regained immediately. It was too demanding, too powerful to make you cry and question all your worth. Suddenly you will be drowned with a lot of insecurities and questions of why? You will be lost going back home and you will realize, you have nowhere to go. You will turn the night into a battlefield of where did it go wrong, of when did it start, of how could you forget all the lies. You will definitely pick up yourself from the mud again. Looking at the mirror, pretending to be strong enough to continue the fight. Honey, you loved the moon so much, and as much as you want to be the star at night you are the sun who just gave up your light to the moon who always shines at dark. You have given enough light, you’re the only star who have given up its heart. And no matter how hard you try, the moon will never shine.

Timeless

Time.

Your time will come, either death or life, sorrow or happiness, success or failure. There are just things that are out of our hands. But we can definitely leave in God’s hands. You came up with an idea of travelling the world but there’s a pandemic. You decided to take your Master’s degree but classroom setup will be online. You are being promoted to work as a Supervisor but you are now being stuck at home. You got the love of your life and had so much plans but you can’t even see him for months. We decide, we plan, we commit to all the things we thought would happen this year but there’s a pandemic adding up to all your anxieties. You are being fed up with all the bills to pay, the upcoming months to live by with risks of getting a virus. Not being able to do the normal things we should be doing as a human.

Let me just remind you, we will survive this pandemic. A vaccine will be available soon, we will be getting our lives back and we will cherish the time, the jobs, nature, trees and the sky. This too shall pass and we will get through this. I’m with you.

Almost a Dream

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.— Jeremiah 29:11

I was one step towards the goal that day. To be accepted to the Broadcasting Company I was praying for 2 years already. I can feel the excitement while waiting and got the opportunity to be interviewed by the HR. Overcoming 3 interviews in a day with 3 hours of examination was overwhelming. Tired, hungry, exhausted and happy at the same time. Given all the time to be prepared I was close to have a job offer from my “Dream Company”. I just need to answer all the questions from the HR and go through their personality test. During the interview, I thought that victory is mine; but I was wrong. Her questions hit me hard. Will I be able to bear the severity of all the emotions I will receive from people? Will I be able to exceed all the expectations of the company? Can I really sincerely pray for the people? For his people?

Yeah. I applied as a Partner Service Representative. Job description? I have to pray for people overseas over the phone. A lot of people everyday who are depressed, dying, loosing hope, so many to mention. Well that is my dream. But the fear of myself dragged me to be confuse, confuse if I can handle such purpose.

I know myself well.

There are times that I will hate to talk to people because I was having my anxieties. It was not my forte to comfort people because of my past and I do not really know how to exactly make them feel a little better. I always make an excuse whenever people wish to approach or be friends with me. But that doesn’t end there.

I was quietly praying for people that I love, people who are sick, those who are making a fuss about me or even my dog. I cried silent prayers. Little did they know, I was fighting my battle through that, and I know that my vulnerability always reflect whenever I whisper those names to God. Because I know He listens.

But I gave up my dream.

I refused to take the personality test after a good cry with the HR. I told her my past. She understood why I decided to withdrew that opportunity. She knew it will be hard for me. And yeah I agreed with her. After the interview I just realized that it is not really a dream. It is something I can do for the rest of my life.

My heart was wrong that time. I was after the success, the opportunity, the brand of the Company. And I think it was the Lord who made me realized that I hit the wrong road again. I understand myself better and made careful decisions after that.

Well, the Lord brought me to a good company right now. I may not have the dream job I was praying for, I know I’m now fulfilling my purpose. His plans are higher indeed.

Universe

I’m not the easiest person to love.

You will hate me whenever I say “stop” to every “go ahead” you need to utter whenever I have my self doubts. You will feel uncomfortable with me joking around because I want you to laugh so hard after your 48 hours of working with fire. You will be bothered with how I behave whenever we enter the bookstore I loved because I feel home with all the unknown characters I want to know. I know that you will feel the disappointment because I will choose ramen over your favorite spaghetti, and you have no choice but to order what I like and try it cause I want to. You will definitely cringe that I would choose to date inside museums or parks rather than going in a crowded malls. You can tease me for wearing baggy clothes because I feel comfortable with it rather than wearing crop tops that most guys would prefer to looked at.

But believe me, you will hate me if I say that I need a hug more than you can imagine and you will feel like I’m invading your alone time cause I’m too needy. You will surely make it a big deal whenever I ask for your precious time; but you have to make time for your friends you haven’t seen in a while. I understand. We’re both different souls craving for different worlds we have to be familiar with.

But can you visit my world too? I promise you that my living monsters will behave and will not bother you while criticizing how weird my past were. You will see the whole mess, the creepy stories of my childhood memories, the whole pages of me. I know you will not like it. But I hope you see the most important part. There was you governing the happy places of my heart. Calming the uncertain clouds of fear and making it an art.

I’m not the easiest person to love. I know that. But you came not with a white horse, but with a white chocolate even though I would prefer black chocolates. You may not be able to give what I exactly want, but you made me try new things for me to forget how awful I was in my own damn world.

Maybe I’m not the easiest person to love. Only in my world. Because it took me so many years to understand to love my self more. You made me see that.

Thank you for sharing your wonderful universe.

Hooman

Showing people you care about them matters.
You may not understand their nod if it’s a sign of weakness or just being plain sad. Their “okay” may seem fine but behind those words are hopes of you asking for more questions. There will be times when asking them to go out will shake the world out of them not because they do not want to be with you but because you decided to make them feel valued.

It’s not always good days, thank God it’s friday or yeah you won the lottery ticket. But even though you’re having a bad day, always remember that the candy to gave, the person you helped crossing the road, the smile you painted entering the building lits up other’s day. You really matter aren’t you?

I love Hue

You asked me if I ever loved someone more than I love you. Your high hopes communicates with me to tell you what your ears wanted to hear as an excuse. I love my dog whenever she unexpectedly hugs me out of the blue. I love my mom whenever she thanked me well enough to make me feel validated. I love my siblings when they are happy with foods I bought from the store nearby. I love my friends whenever they tease me with how I looked or how I respond with our nonsense dramas. I love the people in my workplace and all the leaders I always looked up to. I love my hair everytime I wake up in the afternoon being so gross and oily. I love how I look infront of the mirror without make up or anything pretentious to make me feel awesome. I love my scars, my pimple marks, stretch marks and fats I ended up having because I love burgers and fries, and oh don’t forget that spicy mcchicken. I just love everything that made me who I am today.

I love the struggle of putting my pants on because I know I gained weight. I love the people who keeps on cursing me and I have the guts to end up the conversation cause I have the right to. I love the 3am cries inside the bathroom whenever I have my anxiety and having deep breaths to continue working. I love nightwalks and morning rush, the sun touching my skin, the wind blowing my hair, the sound of the rain to make me feel gloomy.

I love everything that reminds me that I’m alive.

And I think those are enough reasons to tell you that aside from you, I have a world out there I have to live for. But your smile is my favorite, your hug that made me feel safe or the hands that hold me as I tremble.

You asked me if ever I loved someone more than I love you?

“I love everything because I had enough to continue”.

P.S
Keep on fighting!

Onboard

Do not take her for granted. Do not let her sleep thinking about the girls you posted few minutes back while she’s waiting for your damn reply. Do not let her feel anxious about some photos you hid inside your phone. Do not let her feel ugly by complementing different girls while you forget how she fixed her hair or how differently awesome she is during your date. Do not let her feel convenient without your presence cause you have more time for other people but doesn’t have enough time to ask her how her day went.

She was there during the time you badly need her, and those times are really particular to a certain fact that she’s willing to sacrifice. She sacrificed her time, her sleep, her money and she patiently waits for you to come home four months after.

You are not sure about her as what you’ve mentioned during your call with her bestfriend but you never doubt to say it even she can hear it aloud with hurt and anger in her eyes.

Please do not take her for granted. One day, she will walk away easily because she has too many things to mention why she chose to leave. She has more reasons to move on than to stay. She has more tears to shed than laughter to remember.

She will definitely change the game. And you will lose her. Cause good girls never play games, they’re cheerleaders. But not with your game anymore.

I Just Want To.

It’s been two months of wandering, of where to go, what to do and who will be. But the biggest question will be : of until when am I gonna wander without even a compass. No words from a mentor, no tap from a long lost friend, no shoulder to cry on, no one to begin with. Just silently working on my own, achieving goals I never thought I would’ve make it, surrounding myself with completely different people. Still growing with my fake confidence, binge eating, going to places without taking any pictures, making crazy things out of my curiosity. And then finally, I just realized that this is the life that I wanted. Out of people’s drama, knowing that I have to deal with my own, that It is not a requirement to always be the “go to person” of every friends, peers because I have my own battle. It is indeed selfish for some. But I think, choosing my self for now is the best decision I’ve ever made in my whole life. You don’t know all the scratches I’ve had, bruises, endless cries and sleepless nights by making other people feel good about themselves while I’m sufferring from their myseries. Cheers to all the years I lied about being strong for people I valued, for hiding the truth by making a lot of emoticon faces to all the people I genuinely love. They matter to me but please understand that I’m just too overwhelmed and just wanted my sanity back. I love you all.

Play Dumb.

Someday, my world will be filled with words coming from my mind. My dreams will shatter and everyone will know how I tried. It may be just a random guess of what I thought I would accomplish but I promise you, I will. If someday you will not find me putting words into paper always remember that I am on the other side playing guitar with my old favourite songs. Asking questions to strangers, making a good laugh with the angels, crying infront of the broken mirror. It’s just me. Do not try to draw a lot of false impressions or emotions inside your heads. I promise you, none of those will fit the idea of who I really am. Cause it’s just me. Crazy enough to make you think too much about life. You’ll always figure out what’s wrong with me but even a single puzzle piece will never make you right. I’m good at playing dumb, just so you know that I hate attention so do not talk to me. Do not ever try to force me to socialize with a lot of masks in the streets. They never matter to me.